Clearly this contains spoilers. If you didn’t think it would, you don’t deserve to have the four-episode “season” unspoiled in the first place.
- Logan Huntzberger’s torso. I’ve always hated Logan, and it’s entirely possible I am palimpsesting Old Logan onto Carey from The Good Wife and then back onto New Logan, but they all have the same torso anyway, so.
- “A second film by Kirk.“
- The rest of Hep Alien is now in the same age bracket as Sebastian Bach. (Bonus: Keiko Agena was always the same age as Sebastian Bach.)
- Michel, the father-to-be, and matter-of-factly married to a mysterious Frederick, alluding to the major civil rights moment that occurred during our unforgivable hiatus from Stars Hollow.
- Logan Huntzberger with his shirt off. Yes, it deserves two spots.
- The wall-sized Richard painting, and all of the touching tributes to Edward Herrmann throughout. The funeral scene was clearly meant as a double tribute, and the tears of the cast were clearly real. RIP, Richard Gilmore. You were one of the great greats.
- EMILY’S METAMORPHOSIS. Cussing out the DAR. Giving away all her stuff. Having her housekeeper’s extended family move in. Nantucket(?) “Lots and lots of stabbing.” Enough said.
- Jess ripping out Luke’s router.
- Rory has pieces in Slate and the Atlantic, and is (presumably) going to publish a memoir. My life choices validated?
- Logan minus shirt. Yes, again. Did you notice that I had trouble finding an actual top ten things? The below, on the other hand, is the result of serious deliberation and culling. Alas.
- Jess’s hair. Don’t tell me he had to have it this way for This Is Us because I have seen the man’s hair on This Is Us and it is NOT in a greeazy middle-parted bowl cut like Ethan Hawke on the train in Before Sunrise had a lovechild with Professor Snape. No.
- STARS HOLLOW THE MUSICAL. Those are twelve million minutes of my life I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever get back. I understand that ASP is still pissed Bunheads got the axe, but a much, much, much bigger wrong does not un-wrong a wrong.
- Lorelai. I know she’s always been the worst, but was she always this worst? Like, I know she was always annoying and stubborn and jerky, but would she really, truly have shat on her own father’s memory at his own wake like that for any reason other than to complicate the plot between Emily and Herself?
- Rory. UGHHHHHHHHH OH BOO HOO YOUR SOUL ISN’T FEELING THE GQ PIECE ON LINES IS IT? (I realize it’s kind of trite, but I could do a good job on that piece if GQ is still interested.) And also, guess what? Writing your silly-ass memoir is something you do IN ADDITION to your day job(s), not instead. (I should know.) Do you know how memoir composition, publication and (sometimes) remuneration works, ASP? BECAUSE I DO. It goes: Proposal + agent + waiting + maybe sale + more waiting + contract + SMALL CHUNK OF THE $ + writing + shit-ton of editing + ANOTHER SMALL CHUNK OF $, and that’s just the beginning stages. You see where the “$” comes in, Rory? Why don’t you just move back into the pool house and host your many illicit gentleman lovers there while you’re at it. Also, POOR PAUL. Also, SO MUCH CHEATING. I know Rory was TEMPORARILY the worst during Season 4, but was Season 4 Rory the right Rory to revive? Sobs.
- Did you ever notice that the sky in Stars Hollow is DEFINITELY California sky? In the old series they must’ve put a filter on the camera lenses or something to make it look Connecticut-ier. In this version, I was like, uuuuh, yeah, they’re on a soundstage in LA fer sure. I smell fake television snow.
- Roy and Logan dancing during the Life and Death Brigade Reunion Montage. First of all, Logan was wearing too many shirts. Second of all, no.
- Kirk’s pig. Too too too too too.
- Fat-shaming at the pool. WHAT THE FUCK, ASP? Not fucking cool. A body’s size is not a punchline. And I don’t get it, honestly. GG had several plus-sized regulars whose size was never used for laughs (one of whom is now one of the biggest movie stars on the planet and barely had time to come in for a single scene!). Ugh.
- Dean’s hair. Is this what guys in their thirties are doing with their hair now? I disapprove.
- LORELAI AND RORY, WHO ARE THE WORST, and whose every self-pitying self-satisfied second on screen was one where I did not get to see either Emily or Logan with his shirt off.