Yesterday my daughter turned 20 months old, and I wrote my (roughly) twentieth letter to her, ostensibly detailing her progress, but really detailing the full nervous collapse I suffered this week. Something about the combination of very little sleep, a frequently ornery toddler, and an ill-timed screaming fit in the middle of a grocery store caused me not just to teeter on the brink of madness, but to slip over the edge. And yet, still, I’d rather live yesterday on a Nietzschean eternal-recurrence loop for the rest of eternity than waste even ten minutes applying for any of the following jobs that I would never get, and you will also probably not get. (“I don’t have a PhD in German,” you say. Now you’re just splitting hairs.)
Lehigh. Assistant Professor of German. “An interdisciplinary approach to the teaching of language and culture is favored, as the successful candidate will be expected to contribute to the German language major as well as to the Global Studies program.” Have fun walking the super-awesome tightrope between showing how innovative your teaching is and mortally offending the china-delicate sensibilities of the person or personages who are going to immediately view your cutting-edge multiple-cultural-literacies ideas as a direct insult to their life’s work.
Middlebury. (Not Really An) Assistant Professor or Instructor of German. “Candidates should provide evidence of commitment to excellent teaching and scholarly potential.” Hear that? Candidates, make sure your research agenda is aggressive enough so that you will be a good case for the tenure this two-year job is not eligible for.
Princeton. Senior Lecturer. Hey, now that sad bastard at Columbia can have a friend! Meet at an apple orchard in the Hudson Valley for playdates.
Penn. Assistant Professor of Digital Humanities. This is not a German job.
Penn. Assistant Professor of Environmental Humanities. This. is. not. a. German. job.
KK. Speaking of “job,” I have several, and I need to use my pathetic sliver of non-child-caregiving time to do them. Byeeeeeee. (New JIL comes out tomorrow, so expect another sad little update over the weekend.)
Reminder: FORWARD ME your most annoying faculty list-servs!