[Yes, I am aware that is not correct Early Modern English. It’s OK, really, it is.]
SchumEditor’s Note: Today we are all fortunate enough to have a guest contribution from a REAL, LIVE TENURED PROFESSOR! GENUFLECT!!!!!!! He is here to tell us all about the number-one scourge facing higher education today: Contingent faculty sticking up for themselves! Do you know how “bitter” your “rhetoric” is, plebs? Well, just in case you don’t, he’s here to tell you. You’re all welcome!
THE ‘REAL SCOOP’ ON YOUR ALLEGED ‘EXPLOITATION’
by Marv Blerkins, Associate Professor (<–that means I’m better than you!)
Oh, adjuncts. Adjuncts, adjuncts, adjuncts. I realize it might not be “fun” to make the rough equivalent of negative twelve dollars an hour doing exactly the same job I do, minus the preening and self-satisfaction (and getting paid for research). I realize what certain Commie Pinko “colleagues” of mine call the mass “retrenchment” of college instruction is technically but another sign of the continuing exploitation and abuse of the American worker in the face of ever-soaring corporate profits, and college administrations top-heavier than your average Real Housewife.
But listen here, lesser-thans. You might think that you are “sticking up for yourselves” or “engaging your right to peaceable demonstration and negotiation” in pursuit of extremely modest benefits such as a living wage, full faculty privileges (i.e. office space you do not share with black mold or the entire appliance graveyard of 1993), and your institutions deigning not to exploit the Affordable Care Act’s loopholes.
But I see what you’re doing — and I’m a tenured professor, so that means I see things 100% correctly and you do not (yet another reason I am “tenure material,” unlike you, see below). What you’re doing is demanding, unequivocally, that all adjuncts everywhere be converted to the tenure track immediately, whether they want to be or not.
Yes, that is obviously what you are doing, even though you have never so much as insinuated that you are doing anything of the sort. And, further, you are doing it in a way that is not very nice to me, because it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable about my relative privilege, and the fact that I do jack-squat to help you (and, indeed, enjoy foisting all the shitty first-year comp classes I don’t want to teach upon you, so that I may better focus my energy on my four-person senior seminars full of hand-picked, nubile co-eds with “extraordinary” minds).
To put it in the most intellectual terms possible, you serfs are harshing my mellow big-time, and I really wish you’d stop. So, because I have complete power over you, I’m going to force you to, with the following unequivocal edicts that are 100% factually correct and will end this needless “discussion” forever (see again: me=tenure, you=loser).
- You keep talking about “adjunctification” like it’s a bad thing. You know, it might behoove you to “think positive” for once!!!!! All this needless harping on Debbie-Downer stuff like “getting paid $1700 a course” or “having to hold office hours in the janitorial closet” or “spending 3 hours a day and untold amounts on gasoline commuting between the six institutions between which you are sort of able to cobble together a subsistence that still qualifies you for SNAP” is really not helping anyone. In fact, it might just hurt you if you keep it up — know what I’m saying? Because listen. An adjunct job might be a very low-paying, often-thankless, dead-end job, but it’s a job, bitches. Don’t like it? Get another job!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO. I say exactly the same thing to those whiners outside my local Chipotle every day (and I only charge them the wholesale price for the copies of Atlas Shrugged I sell them). Also, hello, part-time teaching is pretty much the perfect “entry-level” position for full-time teaching at a lot of community colleges, where three years’ full-time teaching is a prerequisite for hire! I mean, sure, nine years of part-time teaching is zero years of full-time teaching, and thus I am speaking nonsense-talk, but would you please stop complaining for once?!?!?!? It makes you sound annoying to my ears.
- Most of you are adjuncts because you’re just not good enough for the tenure track. Unlike me. I am. Just in case you were wondering. Ever know that chick who’s, like, hot enough to pick up at the bar at 4 am and blow you in the alley outside before you hit Jack in the Box for some Midnite Munchies and then crash? And honestly you’re kind of doing her a favor by letting her blow you? Are you telling me that I should marry that chick?!?!?!?!?!? That is an exact 100% correlation to adjuncts and those good enough for the tenure-track, and the analogy is so perfect that it deserves no deconstruction viz. preconceived societal bullshit whatsoever, because I am tenured and know everything about analogy. Also, the fact that most departments have like one tenure line every four years and seventeen adjunct spots a semester has fuck-all to do with it, and would you please get back to work? This bad boy isn’t going to suck itself, and the Munchie Menu stops serving in 15 minutes.
- OBAMA!!!!! It’s all his fault. Because Obamacare went into effect exactly how he wanted it to, with no unfortunate concessions or awful loopholes whatsoever, and it will continue to be instated hiccup-free by a delighted and cooperative Congress. If you want a better “employment landscape,” then get smart and vote for Jeb Bush.
All right, bitches! Consider yourselves schooled. Now get back to work — if you even have jobs, idiots.