These are FACTS. Period.
4. Logan Huntsberger. That insufferable WASP fucker and his Hermes bags and his “Ace” nickname and his incessant kissing up to Richard and Emily and his intermittent breakups and his awful, awful dad. I love Cary on The Good Wife, but I feel like Rory’s time at Yale (and in her “lost years”) was completely wasted on this chump.
3. Dean. Blurgh. And it’s not because, Richard Gilmore-style, I think he’s Not Good Enough For Her. He is. There’s just something about him that makes Rory not as interesting. He’s holding her back, but not for the classist reasons you might think. Also, to be honest, he deserves the boot for his hair alone.
2. Tristan. Yes I know they never went out, but I have a bizarre and inexplicable weakness for Chad Michael Murray and all three of his first names, and since he and Dean always had a “rivalry” of sorts, I’m going to be Team Tristan just for the fuck of it.
1. Jess. Come on. Yes, he’s a dick. Yes, he broke her heart. But that boy was sex on a stick. Who among us, at the right age, wouldn’t? Youth was made for going out with guys like Jess. He was so irresistible that he even managed to woo Alexis Bledel in real life before she fell for Pete Campbell and his no-toilet hovel (for serious; Pete Campbell lives in a hermit bungalow somewhere and doesn’t have plumbing. Which, to be honest, good for him!).
5. Christopher, Rory’s father. That guy just cannot stop weaseling his way back into the girls’ lives and getting their hopes up before he takes the fuck off for parts unknown again, usually to knock up yet another woman. He was no good when he impregnated Lorelai back in the day, and he’s no good now, 10 years after the show’s last good episode aired. Fuck Christopher (or don’t, especially not on Richard and Emily’s Balcony).
4. Jason, Richard’s insomniac “business associate.” That guy. Yes, in real life we would all with Chris Eigeman, we love him; he’s a non-creepy-man’s aw-shucks James Spader and he oozes weird appeal. But Jason is a YAWNER and he has too many damn rules, and he’s too rich and weird. He is simply not Stars Hollow material.
3. Alex, a guy I don’t remember at all and I am pretty sure the Gilmore Girls Wiki is just using to fuck with me. But he’s still better than Christopher and Jason.
2. Luke. I know this is going to be a controversial choice because the entire arc of the entire show’s entire billion seasons was Luke & Lorelai 4ever, but Luke was Friendzoned for a reason and should have remained that way. Honestly. He is great, great, great friend material, but as a long-term partner? You can’t be with someone that intransigent and cranky 24/7. You just can’t. Not even in Stars Hollow. I’d rather marry Mrs. Kim; at least she has some surprised up her sleeve now and then.
1. Mr. Medina. Yes, I am Team Max, forever. Perhaps I am partial because he is an educator. Perhaps I am partial because of all the guys he has the sincerest affection for Rory (and that INCLUDES Rory’s dumb dad), and he knew Rory first and cared for Rory first before he even met her mom. Perhaps I am partial because he is patient and kind and not boastful or whatever the Bible says about love that people always read at their weddings. The only — and I mean only — reason shit went south with Lorelai and Max is that he was introduced in the first season and making their relationship stable for the other six would have been BOE-RING, so the writers had to give us fucking Jason, and a heaping dose of Christopher’s bullcrap, and of course Luke upon Luke upon Luke. It’s like when Walter White refused the awesome scientist job because his friend offered it out of cancer pity. That’s when I stopped watching Breaking Bad, because I was like, “That is a stupid plot point invented only to perpetuate the show; it doesn’t work in any other way.” And at the time it didn’t; it was just stupid, stupid, stupid. In conclusion, if I were still single, I would be available for Mr. Medina.