Introducing SchuNotes: NEVER READ AGAIN!

Attention students, and anyone else who wishes to sound erudite by making literary references, but doesn’t have time to read books!

I am here to help! Got a paper due on a classic of world literature, but too busy playing World of MineKiller BoobDeath VII to read?  Want to impress a lady, gentleman or attractive genderqueer individual who seems bookish, but prefer (as I do) to spend your time watching Nashville instead? (I AM ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU, WILL LEXINGTON! I’M PROUD OF YOU!) SparkNotes and other “study guides” so long and involved that you might as well just read the damn book anyway?

Well, you’re in luck!

I have recently developed SchuNotes, extremely accurate one-sentence “takeaways” from many of the world’s most important books, that are definitely not understandable but grievous misreadings that may or may not stem from only skimming Yahoo! Answers.

All you have to do to use ShuNotes is expand this takeaway, moral or idea into a longer treatise (make sure to use a lot of all-purpose language in said treatise, like “Attitudes toward cultures have changed over time but always been important”), and I guarantee everyone will marvel at how well-read you are. TRUST ME.

The Myth of Sisyphus: Practice makes perfect! You CAN reach your goals if you just keep trying!

Macbeth: Success is worth the sacrifice.

Oedipus the King: Listen to your parents.

The Metamorphosis: Learn to accept change!

Romeo & Juliet: Don’t do drugs.

Things Fall Apart: Accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior.

The Scarlet Letter: True love waits!!!!!

To the Lighthouse: Every cloud has a silver lining (would also work for Hamlet).

To Kill a Mockingbird: DON’T MEDDLE!

You’re welcome, everyone.

I’d like to make SchuNotes a crowdsourced project (and thus I am amenable to a name change), so, readers: Got any contributions?!?

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13 thoughts on “Introducing SchuNotes: NEVER READ AGAIN!

  1. Uncle Tom’s Cabin: slavery is not very nice.

    The Count of Monte Cristo: Revenge is sweet.

    Moby Dick: Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

    Tropic of Cancer: Being poor and smart can still get you laid

    The Iliad: Always keep a potato in your pocket

    The Divine Comedy: It’s a long way down.

    Portrait of Dorian Grey: What if your selfie aged and not you?

    The Grapes of Wrath: Farmers had it hard

    Fahrenheit 451: Censorship is bad

    Don Quixote: Don’t let nostalgia rule your life

    Heart of Darkness: Europeans are actually quite uncivilized

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    1. Tom Jones: The good guy gets the girl.
      Gravity’s Rainbow: Things always get hardest right before the bomb drops.
      Catch 22: The early worm catches the bird.
      The Aeneid: It’s really hard being a Trojan.
      The Odyssey: Suitors suck.
      Antigone: Let the dead bury their own dead.
      Ulysses: Don’t waste your time sleeping if your wife’s awake. OR, There’s no place like home.
      Pride and Prejudice: Wait to see how much money he has before you piss him off for being a jerk.
      Sense and Sensibility: There really is no shutting up some people.
      Emma: There really, really is no shutting up some people.
      Mansfield Park: Good people play to lose but somehow win in the end.
      Wuthering Heights: Love conquers all. In an “everyone dies at the end” sort of way.

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  2. Gulliver’s Travels: Man visits a bunch of places, in a bunch of different sizes.
    Canterbury Tales: Bunch of people go on a pilgrimage and tell some stories along the way.
    Oedipus Rex: If you marry your mother you will end up blind.
    Othello: Beware of boyfriends with pillows. Also beware of handkerchiefs.
    The Trial: What would happen to that Snowden dude, which is why he’s still in Russia.
    Madame Bovary: Woman attempts her dream of moving to Paris by sleeping with a bunch of rich men not her husband.

    ps.: I can totally see undergrads visiting this blog post to do their ‘reading’ the night before.

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  3. I’m not literate enough to make any suggestions, but I wanted to say that World of MineKiller BoobDeath sounds awesome.

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      1. Much appreciated! Spoilers are the worst. But we all knew that clock had secrets!

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      2. RIGHT? My prediction is that Rayna will ask will back to Highway 65, because she has a huge gay following b/c she is Shania Twain. Will and Rayna together will headline Nashville Pride, and he will be more successful gay than he ever could have been closeted, and Jeff Fordham will end up fired because he kicked Will off the label for being gay, b/c the country music industry isn’t as homophobic as everyone thought.

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  4. Crime and Punishment: It really is all about the axe. Ignore everything else.
    Anna Karenina: Life goes on after a loved one dies.
    Parzival: If you were born to be king, you will be king.
    Faust: Meeting new people and going new places is an effective way to learn about the world.
    Magic Mountain: The tuberculosis asylum is an allegory for pre-WWI Europe.
    Mother Courage: The most important thing in the world is family.

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  5. Farm Girls are Easy — Tess of the D’Urbervilles Everybody’s a Phony — Catcher in the Rye Dublin on $5 a Day — Ulysses If You Don’t Love Yourself, Nobody Else Will Love You — Portnoy’s Complaint Date: Sat, 17 May 2014 17:37:28 +0000 To: judgeschuman@hotmail.com

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  6. The great Gatsby: pride goeth before a fall.
    Death of a salesman: you gotta know your territory.

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