Now that the entirety of German Studies has seen–and in some cases had a shit-fit about–the latest and most explosive from “Adjunct Nate Silver,” you know I can’t let that shit go without at least a LITTLE bit of commentary. So, since it’s been a hell of a day (most of which I cannot comment on), I’m just going to do this PALE FIRE style. HA! Nabokov. Anyway.
Ranks 1-4. Princeton was no surprise, but there was a minor disagreement between Adjunct Nate and myself, around the question: If a program hires one of its own PhDs, does that really count as placing a tenure-track hire? I say no, ANS says yes, and now I pose it to you. Without that tenth placement, that kicks Princeton’s dominance down just a tad–though, to my taste, not enough. I’d imagine that everyone at Penn State and U of Cincinnati are shitting themselves, to which I say: I join in your glee that you have tromped all of the Ivies but one. However, a 38-46% employment rate is not a reason to be going around insisting that graduate programs should not be shrunk–and should, in fact, be grown. (More on that soon, below.)
Ranks 5-11. Ah, Hopkins, alas. Your grad students are throwing shitfits about shrinking their programs why exactly? It is clear your German program can’t place for shit, so maybe quit trying to staff your $60K/year school with cheap labor (although when they replace the grad students, it will just be with another kind of cheap labor–maybe with their own PhDs, since apparently they can’t find any other jobs). Huge congrats to North Carolina for beating all the Ivies but Princeton, and also to UMass (!), Indiana and UVA for beating most of them.
Ranks 12-17. Oof, Harvard, that’s gotta hurt. Apparently the only people who get hired from Harvard are the Harvard PhDs Harvard hires as Harvard Fellows.
Ranks 18-27. Oh look, it’s me! It depresses me that my department is technically one Schuman away from making it to the one-in-four club. However, we still beat Cal, which I can’t help but laugh about ruefully, because the were so unbelievably condescending to us (and still are). I guess they’re so busy deciding they’re too good for all the faculty candidates that come in that they forget to get their own students jobs. And, of course….terribly surprising and grim numbers from such “top” programs as Chicago, Columbia, Stanford and the ever-snooty WashU.
This might seem crass–and know that I am NOT making fun of the students in these programs. Students: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT you didn’t get jobs. IT is the MARKET. Period. Ende. Punkt. Definitiv. But there is still so much meritocracy bullshit talk out there, and I should know. After “Thesis Hatement” I got a lot–A LOT–of condescending messages from elitists about how since I was too dumb to get into somewhere like Stanford, or Chicago, or WashU, I’m obviously too dumb to get a job. I may be too dumb to get a job, but that’s because I was too dumb not to go to Cincinnati or Penn State. PUBLIC SCHOOL FOR THE WIN!