The ultrasound and the doctors confirmed today that I do not have a viable pregnancy–that, in fact, I was barely ever pregnant at all. If you can believe it, what I feel most is relief to finally have some certainty, and be able to move on with my life.

But before I leave you, here’s an anecdote (into which I have chosen, probably unwisely, to channel all of my anger and hurt at once): as my husband and I made our way to the medical center today, we passed a couple that I can only describe as Female Dewey Crowe and Dewey Crowe Junior. Just a couple of total dipshits. Both smoking, the woman (who was little more than a girl) barely able to manage her multiple bags, cigarette, and of course the eighteen-month-old baby she was carrying. Mr. Dewey Crowe, holding only a fast-food bag and his smoke, yelled at her: “Did you even BRING THE NEW BABY WIPES? DID YOU EVEN BRING THEM? ARE YOU AN IDIOT?”

This, people, is why I do not believe in God, or if He does exist, I assume He is an asshole. These two idiots get a baby. Shit, they’ve probably got another one on the way already, that they conceived between whippets. And I do not. I get an embryo that false-starts. Yes, I realize that Female Dewey Crowe is probably 21 and I’m 37, and by the time she’s my age she’ll be a great-grandmother and that’s how you’re supposed to do things. But seriously fuck a species in which she’s doing things right and I’m doing them wrong.

And all I can hope is that Nature proceeds to do its goddamned business naturally, so that I don’t have to pay $1500 and go back to the hospital again for a painful, expensive procedure, while the Dewey Crowes of Missouri happily continue to shit out offspring between White Power rallies.

I appreciate everyone’s concern and patience as I made the decision to go completely public with all (well, not ALL but MOST) aspects of this shit-show. I do not apologize for offending Missouri white supremacists, or white idiots of any kind, or any idiots of any kind.

I would now like to be left alone.


21 thoughts on “Definitive

  1. So very sorry to hear this. The voice of experience: Be very gentle with yourself–pregnancy loss can be rough on the body as well as the spirit Get a little fatter if food helps. Be angry, be sad, give yourself permission to stay away from pregnant people or happy young families if it hurts, and judge the dipshits all you want. You’re not going to feel like this forever. I wish words did more to help with getting there.


    • Thank you so much for this. I have already blocked/unfriended two people on Facebook for trying to take the moral high ground with me today. Two people who have never been pregnant or tried to be, I’m sure.


  2. I’m also 37, also trying to have a baby (one year, not even a miscarriage). Your post was timely. Today I’ve also been irrationally channeling my anger at our situation at a very young, pregnant, Christian girl in my office. I barely know her and she’s probably really nice, but it makes me mad and sad at the same time.
    I’m sorry to hear about your loss. People tell me it will happen, we have to believe them I guess.


    • I really am. I have some of the Sads some of the time, but I got this news two and a half weeks ago, and it just took forever to confirm it. I had that weird week of “maybe” but then things started to happen to my body in the past few days that made me pretty sure it was a no. Now I’m 100% sure and mostly just relieved. Other than Mr. & Mrs. Dewey Crowe, I’m also not really jealous of/upset at other families or pregnant women, because if there’s one thing this has taught me, is that you never, ever, ever know the story behind a pregnancy, the million things the woman may or may not have gone through.


  3. Huge hugs, Beck. Trite but true: life is so unfair. I remember after my step-dad died I would get so mad at all the lazy, worthless, ungrateful pieces of shit who got to live. Some people have a memorial (even if only for themselves) to honor the child that almost was. It may help? Or not.


  4. I’m sorry you had to wait so long–and have procedures and conflicting diagnoses–to get unhappy news. Be kind to yourself.


  5. Keeping you and your hubby in my thoughts. Hang in there, your readership has got tsunami–sized cyber “good energy waves” coming your way. Treat yourself to all manner of pampering.


  6. What a horrendous series of experiences for you. But remember that it’s not God, it’s just nature and bad luck. Ironically, the women who have their babies early and often, and the men who spread their seed widely, are the technical winners (or their genes are) in Darwinian evolution. But no moral high ground in any of this, just the vagaries of the body.


  7. Much love, thoughts, and prayers (I do that) coming from here in Tennessee. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, and wish you the absolute best. My deepest condolences.


  8. Just want to say sorry too. And like another person who responded to another post, I had a miscarriage before a viable pregnancy–I think it happens a lot. I love your blog and everything you write–fellow adjunct and really appreciate the work you’re doing. Wishing you healing and no asshole comments.


  9. It’s not anything she did right. It’s not anything you did wrong.

    I held off on saying this before, in case you already knew, but just in case you didn’t:

    There is nothing you can do to affect the odds of a first-trimester miscarriage. Nothing for, and nothing against. First-trimester miscarriages are caused by copying errors when the early cells divide, and they just happen. You could not have prevented it. You could not have caused it. It was a roll of the dice.

    Best wishes.


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