So. 2013 was kiiiiind of a big year in Schuvania, where my life changed in literally every way possible. OH YEAH THAT. I have few regrets about 2013–not because nothing I did was ill-advised (just about everything I did was ill-advised!), but because what’s done is done.

I’d like to dedicate the following goals for 2014 to the thousands of people who read this blog, and the hundreds of thousands who read my columns in Slate. I don’t know who most of you are, but I love all of you. Love me, hate me–for reasons I still don’t fully understand you read me.

Some have complained that I don’t deserve this platform, and I agree–otherwise I’d just be a Spitfire Blogger Lifeboater! I was reckless enough to write a visceral, uncensored “jeremiad” for Slate, knowing full well that it would sever any remaining chance I had to become a “real” academic. People read it, and I kept writing, and Slate and the Chronicle and Vitae were kind enough to gamble on me and keep publishing my stuff, and then put me under contract.

I may be a failed academic, but on this last day of 2013, I feel like the luckiest person on Earth. But you guys. I am so, so flawed. I know this. So in the spirit of self-improvement, here are some honest and (I hope) reasonable life goals for the coming 365 days. I will:

1. Try my absolute god-damndest to “block” and not fight on Twitter.
2. Spend less time on Twitter in general. And Facebook, and this blog.
3. Prioritize actual human contact with my husband and family over  various postacademic hell-raising, so that the following conversation never happens again: “Go ahead and continue with your Twitter fight.” “I’m not IN a Twitter fight.” “Oh no?” “I’m writing a blog post ABOUT a Twitter fight.”
4. Start a weekly Links Encyclopedia like my blog heroes do, so that this reads a liiiiiitttllle less like the ravings of a self-obsessed Schumaniac
5. Keep publishing guest bloggers and paying them (yes, readers, THIS MEANS YOU! Please contact me about submitting!)
6. Never tell someone to “suck my cock” on Twitter again, no matter how funny it is in context.
7. Obey my self-imposed 8 p.m. Internet Curfew religiously.
8. Make and implement a concrete, real plan to get out of St. Louis once and for all, and move somewhere warm (can you tell I’m typing this from Los Angeles?).
9. Write approximately 25% of my blog posts about important non higher-education-related issues, such as television.
10. Make a 100% concerted effort to turn every single enemy I have into a friend (it’s been known to happen, and it can happen again!).

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go party, by which I mean watch two episodes of Sherlock, drink some sparkling apple juice, and go to bed at 9:30.