Well, the good news is that there were indeed “more jobs” added this week–but the hilarious/bad news is that by “more” I mean “three.” I don’t mean to belabor the issue, but…this market is hardly even worth it. If I were you, I’d use this year to get my teaching credential or an MBA. But, you poor doomed intellectuals, if I were like you, just about to finish my dissertation, or it were my second year out instead of my fourth, I might still be living my days enshrouded in the delusion that one of the now-fourteen Assistant Professor jobs out there might just be for me. Here’s how this week’s paltry offering of searches appears before my cynical oracle countenance:
Georgetown, Applied Linguistics/SLA. In which I and every other idiot who decided to pursue literature smacks our collective forehead, wondering: why in the everloving fuck didn’t we do applied linguistics/SLA, the STEM of German? Soon the only foreign-language jobs left in the United States will be linguistics/SLA (which stands for Second Language Acquisition). And you know what the worst part is? My hands-down favorite course in graduate school was SLA. It turns out that I like Social Sciences. I could have done my PhD in Sociology and actually had a job market! I COULD HAVE BEEN A CONTENDER. Why do you taunt me with your awesome-sounding jobs, SLA? For ’tis a known fact that SLA has far fewer raging psychopath egomaniacs than literature does, and getting hired as a pedagogue, while still traumatic, is not as traumatic simply because the FULLPROFs attempting to rip you to shreds don’t actually have the first fucking clue what your research is about (although Lord knows they could use a pedagogical pick-me-up). If I were an employable SLA specialist, and I got this job, I could chill with my friends Nate and Lahela all the time, and live in DC, and when people asked where I lived and I said, “DC,” they’d nod appreciatively, instead of now, when they ask where I live and I say, “St. Louis,” and they ask, “Is that in Kansas?” and then they ask “Why?” Which is the question I’m currently asking myself. Why didn’t I go into SLA? WHY? Just because I didn’t know what it was, I mean, that’s no excuse. Also, I hate teaching grammar and generally just say I’m going to do it and then don’t really do it. Ad Grade: F, for reminding me of my poor life choices.
Old Dominion University. “Expertise in one of the following fields would be advantageous: Jewish Studies; Cinema Studies; Women’s Studies; Second Language Acquisition.” Oh hi, we’re a search committee of four people who hate each other and can’t agree on what we want, so we just put them all down here, and as a result we will just hire the Schiller scholar with the fanciest-looking pedigree, who we also think will actually stay in Nofolk, VA even after the market rebounds. Since the market will never rebound, we will have an excellent selection. But, you know, ignore those four categories, because fuck it. Job Ad Grade: C, for exemplifying the average search-committee harmony.
Princeton, pre-1890. I wonder which of their own PhDs they’ll hire. Ad Grade: “Amusing that you are under the mistaken impression that you have the authority to pass judgment upon us, Pleb. Now eat the dirt off our shoes.”