THE ONLY PEOPLE (&/or ROBOTS) WHO MATTER
La di da, it’s f*cking Princeton. 

1. MOOCs.
2. Tenured senior faculty at Ivies.
3. Tenured senior faculty at “Fake Ivies” (you KNOW who they are).
4. Tenured associate faculty at Ivies.

PEOPLE ALLOWED TO THINK THEY MATTER
I got your ‘Close Reading’ riiiiiight here. Now don’t you have a Libertarian rally to attend?

5. Tenure-track junior faculty at Ivies.
6. Favored graduate students at Ivies.
7. Associate and junior faculty at Fake Ivies.
8. Tenured senior faculty at R1s.

PEOPLE WHO PROBABLY DON’T DESERVE TO DIE

OH? I-O! I miss my students!

9. Associate and junior faculty at R1s.
10. Disfavored graduate students at Ivies.
11. Favored graduate students at Fake Ivies (U. of Chicago and Stanford ONLY!).

LOSERS WHO SORT OF EXIST

12. Any non-contingent faculty at Liberal Arts Colleges (such as my beloved alma mater, above!).
13. Select contingent full-time faculty at Ivies (see also: former favored graduate students at Ivies).
14. Favored graduate students at R1s.

THE HELP (DO NOT TOLERATE “SASS” FROM)

15. Disfavored graduate students at R1s.
16. Any other graduate students anywhere.
17. All other full-time contingent faculty (see also: former favored graduate students at Fake Ivies).

NONENTITIES (GRANT WIDE BERTH; LIKELY CONTAGIOUS)

18. Adjuncts.
19. Anyone who did not finish the PhD but still has the common decency to be paralyzed with longing and regret about it.
20. Anyone who has left academia for any reason, with or without the PhD.

 

STUDY QUESTIONS (for full credit, please complete odds OR evens and upload to Comments before the start of class. To be eligible for end-of-semester Bonus, please complete ALL questions. To receive an immediate +5% Bonus on this assignment, please respond with a Study Question of your own):

1. Which rung of the Hierarchy contains a plurality, if not an outright majority, of academics?
2. Onto which rung(s) of the Hierarchy is it assumed any given PhD student will ascend, despite all available information to the contrary, and also despite the fact that “there are no guarantees,” given that “there are always jobs for good people”?
3. Which rung of the Hierarchy contains a subset that is not actually made of human Earth people?
4. Which rung of the Hierarchy is most likely to produce the most interesting, thought-provoking and rigorous academic research? (HINT: TRICK QUESTION! It’s “ALL OF THE ABOVE, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF #1, WHO ARE NOT HUMAN)
5. Which rung(s) of the Hierarchy is/are most likely to hear the encouragement to “stick with it” ringing in its collective head as it stands in line to sign up for EBT and Medicaid?
6. BONUS QUESTION FOR DR. KENZIOR, HEAD OF THE CLASS: Into which rung’s capable hands do the (human) Members of Rungs #1-4 often, if not usually, send their own children to be educated?