A Better "Stimulus Plan"
Now it is abundantly clear that no Republican will respond to Pres. Obama's protracted efforts to court them (with everything from cocktail parties to Superbowl Sunday–what's next, will he skywrite I LOVE BONER, I MEAN BOEHNER, over Bethesda?) and that they have committed to the idea of "fixing" the economy by giving the dwindling amount of rich people in the US more money, aka exactly what G.W. Not President Anymore Bush did for eight years that greatly contributed to the current shitstorm. Fine. That's fine. I'm happy about it–because since Democrats have a majority in both the House and the Senate, they can pretty much pass whatever the fuck bill they want to. They already "compromised" by taking some family planning and National Mall revitalizing out (because those things both help poor people!) and the Republicans said, "No, thanks, we'll just listen to 'Eye of the Tiger' and then sit this one out." Which again is their perogative. I just think that my party should take this opportunity to "refurbish" the stimulus so that it goes to some better things. Like this.
- $5 billion to "experience-based sex education" (i.e. mandatory orgies), after which 5 billion more dollars can go to forced sterilization or abortions depending on the sex-haver's political preference, religious beliefs and IQ, the final goal of which would be to repopulate the country with an Oberklasse of socialist atheist geniuses.
- $600 billion directly to the pockets of the working poor, the non-working poor, and especially to graduate students, who will use that money to remain in graduate school forever and perhaps have some children (if they are socialist, atheist or smart enough).
- $10 billion to embryonic stem sell research, with a bonus for every time the embryo is still inside a woman when the research begins.
- $2 million and a national TV show to Rev. Jeremiah Wright.
- $80 million to the arts, but only to experimental "sound sculpture" electro-music installations, naked modern dance "actions," slam poetry, anything involving the religious figures and cow excrement, and perhaps a special "macrame'd fetus" bonus.
- A $5000 stripper tax credit (for both frequenting and being them).
- $ 200 million each to PETA, Greenpeace, Children International and anyone else who places obnoxious Street Teams on every urban corner in the developed world–specifically for more Street Teams and a new Street Team Training Camp that trains them to be even more obnoxious and disruptive.
- $ 100 million for a yearly Karl Marx Look-and-Revolution-alike contest.
- $ 200 billion for a mandatory conversion of all US plumbing systems to HuManure.
- A $ 20,000 Yurt Tax Credit for anyone who buys, builds or even wants to buy or build, or even talks about buying or building a yurt.
Because if the Republicans are going to tell Pres. Obama to fuck off no matter what it is, we might as well make it good.