First of all, Happy 29th Birthday to my "baby" brother Ben, who, 29 years ago today, broke my heart for not being a girl, but then made up for it by gracing me (via my parents) with a Mr. Potato Head (I remember at the time thinking I got the much better deal: my parents got stuck with a BOY/poop machine, and I got a Mr Potato Head).
Second, and more importantly: I'm not in the U.S. right now, but from trusted sources, I gather that infomercials and short-form ads for a fantastic new invention are "blanketing" the airwaves, PUN INTENDED! My dad says that he keeps seeing ads for something called a "Snuggie," which is a (probably static-tastic) fleece blanket with sleeves. According to the ad, a regular blanket just doesn't cut it anymore:
After some research, I discovered that the "Snuggie" is actually a ripoff of a much more homespun (PUN INTENDED) garment called The Slanket, "the best blanket ever."
The Slanket was invented by a guy named Gary when he was in college, watching Conan high out of his mind in the winter. As he struggled to keep warm and flip through channels at once, he thought, "There's got to be a better way!" and thus The Slanket was born. Despite how grade-A retarded the entire idea seems, the copy on The Slanket Slebsite is pretty charming, and reading through it really made me want not only a blanket with sleeves, but some other heretofore sleeveless items besleeved as well. Ergo, patents are now pending for:
The Slunchbox (and its low-rent TV infomercial version, The Snunchie-Bucket):
The Slizza (or the Snizzie-Pie):
The Slasketball (or Snaskie-Oop):
And, finally, the Slank Top (or its lower-cost rival, the Snankie Shirt):
Ever get cold wearing a tank top? And wish it had some fabric that covered your arms? Me too, all the time, especially in 0-degree (Celsius, bitches, the only measurement system I now use!) Vienna weather. Well, NO MORE. Now you can get all of the joy and fun of a tank top without all that pesky chill.
COMING SOON: The Slewspaper, The Sluitcase, and The Slook: Now, a Book Jacket with FOUR Sleeves!