First of all, Happy 29th Birthday to my "baby" brother Ben, who, 29 years ago today, broke my heart for not being a girl, but then made up for it by gracing me (via my parents) with a Mr. Potato Head (I remember at the time thinking I got the much better deal: my parents got stuck with a BOY/poop machine, and I got a Mr Potato Head).

Second, and more importantly: I'm not in the U.S. right now, but from trusted sources, I gather that infomercials and short-form ads for a fantastic new invention are "blanketing" the airwaves, PUN INTENDED! My dad says that he keeps seeing ads for something called a "Snuggie," which is a (probably static-tastic) fleece blanket with sleeves. According to the ad, a regular blanket just doesn't cut it anymore:

After some research, I discovered that the "Snuggie" is actually a ripoff of a much more homespun (PUN INTENDED) garment called The Slanket, "the best blanket ever."

Slanket

(There are apparently multiple internets pages devoted to the Slanket vs. Snuggie rivalry.)

The Slanket was invented by a guy named Gary when he was in college, watching Conan high out of his mind in the winter. As he struggled to keep warm and flip through channels at once, he thought, "There's got to be a better way!" and thus The Slanket was born. Despite how grade-A retarded the entire idea seems, the copy on The Slanket Slebsite is pretty charming, and reading through it really made me want not only a blanket with sleeves, but some other heretofore sleeveless items besleeved as well. Ergo, patents are now pending for:

The Slunchbox (and its low-rent TV infomercial version, The Snunchie-Bucket):

Slunchbox

Ever get SO COLD eating your lunch you just have to surrender it to bullies? No more.

The Slizza (or the Snizzie-Pie):

Slizza

When I dig in to a piping-hot pizza, I can't help but think to myself: if only this pizza had sleeves. Then I would be as piping hot as the pizza!

The Slasketball (or Snaskie-Oop):

Slasketball

Shaq says: "Staying cozy while going in for a dunk is OUTSTANDING."

And, finally, the Slank Top (or its lower-cost rival, the Snankie Shirt):

Slanktop

Ever get cold wearing a tank top? And wish it had some fabric that covered your arms? Me too, all the time, especially in 0-degree (Celsius, bitches, the only measurement system I now use!) Vienna weather. Well, NO MORE. Now you can get all of the joy and fun of a tank top without all that pesky chill.

COMING SOON: The Slewspaper, The Sluitcase, and The Slook: Now, a Book Jacket with FOUR Sleeves!

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One thought on “The cure for a recesion is good old American ingenuity

  1. I actually had to call over the Sig O to read this one: John, who has expressed deep frustration at the Snuggie ad the few times we’ve seen it, was highly entertained by your invective at Gary. And I want a Slook.
    I hate to break it to you, though, but I think someone already stole your idea for the Slank Top: I’m almost positive I’ve seen them for sale at Target (although they call them something less imaginative, of course, and the sleeves were set a little higher…).

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