All this nervous energy leading up to the election has made me nostalgic (not really) for 2004, when I was so despondent about 4 more years of Bush (AND LOOK WHO WAS RIGHT? It turned out EVEN WORSE than I imagined and now 75 percent of the country agrees with me! Who the fuck are the other 25 percent, I wonder? That's waht I want to know) I couldn't think straight (but oh, could I drink straight). In a lot of ways Nov 2004 seems like yesterday, because about six months later I was on my way to Irvine from New York, and a lot of my life has seemed like it's on simultaneous fast-forward and pause since then (like all of my NY friends seem frozen in time where I left them, even though I know they're not, Holy shit Eva you're in Japan?)…but in many more ways Nov 2004 seems like the end of the Paleolothic and now we're firmly in the Apocolpthic. Ha. Anyway. For a bit of pre-election levity here is a list of things I SWORE I would do when Bush was re-elected and now am very, very grateful I did not:

  1. Go on a face-punching spree (because now I'd be in jail and I probably never would have met Waldemar in jail, for one thing).
  2. Go on a 'vacation' to Europe/Australia/Canada and surrender my passport and claim refugee status (because now I wouldn't be able to vote for Barack Obama absentee from Vienna, where I was allowed to travel as a US Citizen under the Fulbright program, which is for US smarties, so why they gave one to me I still don't really undersatnd).
  3. Get a nice ornate tattoo of FUCK THE HEARTLAND on my forearm (because gross, and also because now a substantial amount of that heartland may actually vote for Barack Obama!).

So, Bushies, McCainiacs in the Membrane, anyone who thinks Joe is an actual plumber and Obama is a "socialist" for daring rich people to pay fewer taxes than they did under Ronald Reagan…despair not. Perhaps in eight years you, too, will be on the precipice of something mind-blowingly exciting; for now just make like all of your elected officials do, and develop some outrageous promises that you can then flake out on, just like me.

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