One of the things I wish I had in this apartment (besides approx. 90 cubic meters more space, though that would mean I lived in a Viennese palace) is a TV; problem is I don't feel like getting one, so the superfancy Internets I have here will have to do. As most of you know, however, Internet is the new TV, and in perusing the various candidate press conferences to make some sense (ha!) out of what might happen after the Austrian elections (my prediction: "new" SPÖ/ÖVP grand coalition, aka meet the new boss, same as the old boss),* I became delightedly  distracted but the Austrian commercials available to me on derStandard.at/TV. This one, for example, is for a furniture chain called Mömax (being  play on the German word for furniture), from an ad campaign called "Don't Let Your Furniture Embarrass You," in which people are put into terribly embarassing situations due to old/rickety/poor-quality furniture. In this ad, a teenage boy tries to make out with a girl, who very solemnly tells him to "slow down…I'm still a virgin." (The look on her face after she says this is priceless, especially to a refugee from the United Hypocritical States of Promise Rings). At which point the girl's poor-quality nightstand comes apart and a tsunami of prophylactics come tumbling out (in a racier version I can't find on YouTube, it's a giant vibrator! That is on the "on" position!). Then comes the tagline: "Don't Let Your Furniture Embarrass You." And this isn't even the best Austrian TV has to offer!!! God I love it here (with the exception of the political issues detailed below, natch). Anyway, this is worth a watch even for you non-German-speakers:

*Quick ill-informed-foreigner's rundown of the 2008 Austrian "emergency" elections: two big parties raise ire of voters due to governing coalition's inability to agree on anything; the "Austrian People's Party" (the "center-right" party of Austria, that is still a lot more liberal than any legitimate party in the US) ditched the coalition in a dramatic fashion (with its then-head beginning a press conference with the German equiv. of 'ENOUGH IS ENOUGH') with the "Social Democrats of Austria," the good ol' European social democracy we all know and love (especially if we like getting free entitlements and shit from the gov't); thus in this emergency election both major parties lost "protest votes" to the far-right, the so-called "Alliance for the Future of Austria," which is run by Jörg Haider, who is a fucking Nazi sympathizer (not kidding), and the "Freedom Party of Austria," which is for the freedom of Aryan Austrians to oppress, deport, harass and delegitimize anyone whose blood isn't pure, i.e. pretty much Nazis, and again I wish I were kidding. The Neo-Nazis got about 30 percent of the vote, which effectively means that 1 out of every 3 people I see on the street here in Vienna is a bigot; except that's not true because I live in the "ethnic minority" filled 16th District which is full of extremely nice Turkish/Balkan people who are not eligible to vote (when, at the same time, idiotic TEENAGERS are allowed to vote! I'm surprised Zac Ephron didn't win a majority). Luckily if Austria lets the far-right back into the governing coalition they will probably get EU sanctions like they did in 1999. And perhaps I am oversensitive to the jingoistic/xenophobic/racist tendencies of the far-rightists here because That's Just How It Is In Europe. But I digress. I don't want to harsh your buzz from the dildo commercial. That's why I made the print small.

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