While other fires currently raging in the towering inferno of Southern California (that also happens to be on fire) have excellent, clever names (such as the "Magic Fire," so named because of its proximity to Six Flags Magic Mountain), ours, currently raging at nearly 20,000 acres but moving in the opposite direction of UCI (good for us and the air, bad for the folks in the other direction, especially those who had older, non-subdivision, I-just-want-to-live-in-the-mountains-like-an-old-fashioned-American houses), has the wholly unimpressive name of the "Santiago Fire," so named for its origin point.

So I propose a list of new names for our fire, since it is expected to be our best buddy and constant companion for the next 5-14 days (how much do you love that? "We could put it out tomorrow…or never"–THANKS, two-year drought and Santa Anas!).

  1. The Donald Bren* Will Charge Rent for this Fire
  2. The Love Where You Live Until It Burns Fire ("Love Where You Live" is the somewhat-menacing motto of the Irvine Company)
  3. The Please Let it Burn a Mall and TBN Fire
  4. The Who the Fuck Would Set a Fire Like This Fire
  5. The Botox and Silicone Feuled Fire

*For those of you not in the OC, first of all, congratulations; second of all, Donald Bren is a "local billionaire and philanthropist," the CEO of the Irvine Company, which literally owns most of the university, many of the souls of the Regents, and every single douchey evil mall and subdivision in a ten-mile radius. Half the buildings on campus are named after Donald Bren. I wish this fire would burn one of his buildings down. Maybe his house (without him in it, of course! He can safely evacuate to any of his million other residences!) He owns me and all my colleagues. It’s distressing.

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