Congratulations, Dr. Prof. Awesome (your official German title is now Herr Prof Dr Ausgezeichnet)! You’re an inspiration to us all.

Homer_simpson

To my faithful blog-dience of my dad and PA, sorry about the prolonged blog-sence–I’ve been teaching ESL 4-7 hours a day all July and those damn kids were nearly the death of me. I mean, they were really nice students, super-enthusiastic, it’s just–I dare YOU to be on your feet in the classroom that many hours a day, warbling around and preening and squawking and giving the double-thumbs-up when you can’t make yourself understood…and THEN teaching ESL for four hours. Ha ha. Anyway, my ESL teaching experience was odd, in that it completely sucked up my energy–I would get home from teaching and just pass out face down on my bed/couch (sometimes I couldn’t even make it upstairs). I would eat disgusting seaweed-infused SuperFood hippie energy bars to keep standing and be too tired to force down any meals when I got home. I did absolutely no work on my dissertation prospectus, which is now due in three weeks. It felt strange, like I was back in New York spending all day at a job, a real one, that took all my energy, instead of being here in California, a graduate student with boundless energy to read and work all day long. Anyway, it took about a day but now I am pretty well recovered, just in time to write my goddamned prospectus in three weeks, and in the meantime to move Prof DOCTOR Awesome halfway across the country into an as-yet-imaginary apartment and conduct business from said imaginary apartment until such time as I see fit to return to this Earth-weather-defying place (where it is currently muggy AND dry AT THE SAME TIME, I’m sorry but I didn’t think that was possible).

So things have been alternately stultifying and exciting here–I feel a little panicky and weird for not doing any real work for the last month, and then on the other hand, I am glad I earned double my normal salary in half the time and now, amazingly, I don’t have to worry about money during the early fall (which is all but a graduate school prerequisite–we get our last check of the "spring" July 1 and our first check of the fall Nov 1). Plus I guess it was OK to have a mild break from research so I can take a look at it and see if it makes any sense at all or is just grade-A retarded. But that’s the stultifying part–the exciting part doesn’t have as much to do with me as it does with my esteemed friend Prof DOCTOR Awesome, who just defended his dissertation–so I am technically dating a professor now, living out the greatest of all graduate-school clichés (although he’s not MY professor so it could be worse). I am so proud of him and excited for him I could just burst–last night I got to go out to dinner with his Doktormutter (as we creepily refer to our diss advisers in my line of work) and part of his committee and one of his department colleagues, and it was just amazing to see how genuinely respected and pretty much adored he is by his peers (his adviser even said "to know PA is to love him," with which I must wholeheartedly concur). But lest he come over here and throw my computer out the window I’ll stop with the gushing now–PA, if you don’t like it, then turn the blog off!–and go on to the ABD gift I just got from one of my professors, called Writing Your Dissertation in 15 Minutes a Day. It has some good practical advice, but also a rather creepy section on how every dissertation writer should have a maxim (the book author’s is, creepily enough, "Remember Credibility"), so I of course have chosen a really good one that anyone who knows me even remotely well could guess (yes, the second word is "fatties"). 

The other thing that’s been getting my goat lately is this book of crossword puzzles I bought at the airport back in June, by one of the New York Times "Superstars," this smug WASPY, goatee-having, five-years-younger-than-me (three youger than PA), cardigan-wearing, impossible-puzzle-writing fuck named Brendan Emmett Quigley, who, it barely even needs to be noted, is my NEW NEMESIS. Brendan Emmett Quigley, you cannot get me with your stupid references to Converse All Stars and the Kids in the Hall and Donkey Kong Junior, but all of your bullshit French and Biblical and Roman references and crazy Buck Rogers crap and über-clever cross-categorization…well, if you and I ever meet in a dark alley, Brendan Emmet Quigley, I will punch one of your three names RIGHT OUT OF YOU.  Yes, fine, I am not very good at crosswords and that may be my problem. But guess what, BEQ? I have it in my head that I’m going to GET good at crosswords and between now and the time I get my doctorate and become Ms Prof Dr Also Awesome In My Own Way, I will be BILL FUCKING CLINTON, and you will be going down, down I tell you, down like an intern on Bill Clinton, who will be me, laughing while you toil away in metaphorical subjugation, so I win (in the imaginary future)!!! But until that beautiful day comes, I am satisfied to draw little cartoon dicks going into your mouth on your author photo.  See, check it out:

Beq

Perhaps when I get a doctorate like Prof Dr Awesome I will be more mature…(I pronounced that "ma-toore" in my head just so everyone in my inner world would know just how mature I’ll be).

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