Yesterday Prof. Awesome was doing some research trying to see if anyone had written a dissertation on a particular philosopher, and instead he came up with

THIS

A website where you can buy a dissertation. Now the scads of shitty research paper downloading evil bastard sites I understand–many undergraduates do not understand that their professors do not assign papers for their own amusement and that papers actually help you learn (I hope to God someone tries to plagiarize on me next year and gets the wrath, the wrath of being caught cheating and punished to the fullest extent of the University of California charter! Meh!) and an undergraduate who thinks it’s acceptable to download a paper off the internet is obviously a grade-A moron anyway who deserves to flunk out of college, but a PhD dissertation? For a mere 4000 smackers you can get some other schmuck to research and write your dissertation–and the best part is that the longest they take is 30 days (the shortest, unbelievably, is 8 hours, though I simply cannot believe that would be possible)–which leads me to wonder: if some academically-dishonest, financially-strapped asshole can write a dissertation (that presumably gets…accepted? How? How? Wouldn’t your adviser notice that you hadn’t turned in anything for 3 years and then suddenly turned in the whole thing in "final" draft form COMPLETE WITH ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS AND DEDICATION PAGE and think SOMETHING MIGHT BE UP?) in a month, then

why
does it take us so damn long?

(Could it be that we spend no less than an hour on a Sunday morning changing the desktop icons of our computers from "boring" little cartoon folders to thumbnail sketches of:

Walter Benjamin

Friedrich Nietzsche

Johan Georg Hamann

Immanuel Kant

Franz Kafka

Ludwig "Mr. Casanova" Wittgenstein

And, of course, this naked lady (no, that is not me):

Maybe after I graduate and I don’t get a job, I can make a living helping people who want to write stupid blogs but have no time or stupidity by selling plagiarized blog posts ($50 per paragraph, swear words and descriptions of vile sexual practices (the Rusty Trombone, the Blumpkin, the Dirty Sanchez, etc) extra.