Five Reasons the Terrorists Hate our Freedom this 4th of July

5: Another Die Hard, starring a paunchy, cuckolded Bruce Willis as a hemorrhoidal Jack McLane (or whatever that fictional idiot’s name is).  Yes, everyone loved it when he rescued all those schmucks from the building that one time approx. eleventeen years ago, but now all "Yippie Ki-ay, Motherfucker" means is "I wish I’d eaten more All-Bran this morning."

4: The Grandchildren and Great-Grandchildren of Immigrants Braying On Obnoxiously and Bigotedly About how Immigrants are Ruining America.  News flash: the people most dangerously affected by illegal immigration are the undocumented immigrants themselves, who can be hurt, killed, exploited, robbed, raped and tortured above the law with no protection whatsoever. Homo Sacer indeed. What exactly makes me better and more deserving of the American Dream than the guy who empties my garbage? I am lazy, spoiled, entitled and use way too many natural resources for my relatively small size, and last I checked I don’t perform a necessary service for slave wages, so what the fuck makes me so special?

3: Four Years. Iraq. Quagfuckingmire. More terrorists. More violence. More anti-American hatred in the Middle East than before. All so America can make sure "the Jews" can have Israel all to themselves in order to ensure Christ’s return to Earth and the Apocalypse. You do know that’s why fundamentalist Christians pretend to love Jews so much and support Israel, right? Don’t be an idiot–they think Jews are going to Hell just like your average S&M porn queen athiest (aka ME, now that I have a webcam, heh heh), they just can’t have their precious LeftBehind rapture without our secure dominance of the Holy Land.

2: At Least Three Separate Television Shows about People With more Than Eight Children. At least that’s a new way to support your million  kids–get a TV show about your million kids. Or, here’s a better idea: STOP FUCKING SO MUCH.

1: PARIS HILTON (who drove her $200,000 car in Los Angeles exactly the way all other addled morons in Los Angeles drive expensive cars–illegally and like an idiot) had to spend obscenely publicized, Larry-King-worthy time in jail, but SCOOTER LIBBY, who took the fall for one of the most insidious and flagrant abuses of American executive power in history, walks free.

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