Step 9: Apologizing to the Blender for All the Times You Wronged It

I always thought blenders were assholes. Mostly because I had this one roommate in Berlin who always made the grossest cucumber/milk/honey/half-rotten apple concoctions with a little cooking sherry and broccoli thrown in for the fuck of it, and then she’d be all like, "here, try it," and I’d be all like, I’d rather die but I didn’t want to be rude so I’d have a sip and then get stuck cleaning the damn blender because hey, she did all that blending work so it’s only fair. Similar situations arose when I had another roommate who used to like making elaborate(ly bland) turnip/carrot soup that tasted like Elmer’s paste but not as interesting, and again she’d be all like, "I made this you can have some" and then I’d be all like, Bleeeeeeeeeech but I wouldn’t want to be rude so I’d eat a spoonful or two and then get stuck cleaning the goddamned blender because she did all that carrot-turnip bullshit and it’s only–you get the picture. Cut to seventy-billion years later and my new Draconian eating habits and suddenly a blender becomes very attractive. Too attractive, in fact.  So attractive that directly upon procuring one for Xmahanukwanza I promptly blended:

a whole grapefruit (incl. gross thicky membrane)
soy milk
a banana
and a packet of Emergen-C

These are four things that a normal person would never, ever, ever, ever consider eating in moderate succession, much less all together. I know this. I realize this. This makes perfect sense to me. And yet when you have an apparatus that has spinning blades that will turn anyting you want into goo, it’s open season. Ergo, a few weeks later:

peanut butter
whole peanuts
tofu
soy sauce
sesame oil
doom

in that after about three "pulses" the blender exploded. After a punitive month in which I (rightly) was not allowed to buy another blender, I splurged, and have since its purchase decided it was a good idea to do this:

basil
cashews
garlic
olive oil (i.e., vegan pesto and it’s very good and I should have just left it at that but NOOOOOOOOO ergo)
tofu (?!?!?)
marinara sauce
MORE TOFU

which resulted in a sort of semi-creamy spoiled-tasting totally-awry goo sauce that I only ate because I would have starved to death. And this was followed directly by

the contents of a Trader Joe’s brand "Make Your Own Salsa Kit" which did not result in salsa, but rather a suspicous tomato-based concoction that eerily resembled vomit.

After this I put the blender away for awhile and counted myself lucky that I didn’t blend my new neoprene wetsuit and some nails and some boric acid.

Then today I brought it back out and limited myself to three ingredients, ingredients at least one person I know has consumed in blended form many times over: soy milk, banana, peanut butter. It went all right so far, but that doesn’t mean I won’t attempt to replicate it tomorrow but decide it would be way better with some wild rice and vegetable bullion and Tofurkey added in.

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