I’m only doing this meme for Stephanie because I’m sick of looking at my German New Year’s Resolutions, er, I mean Franz Kafka’s. Anyway, also sprach Dischalicious:

“If you could be something else than what you are now in terms of your career, what would the top five or six choices be and why would you be good at these professions?”

Er, well, assuming that “graduate student/inept German 1 teacher” is a “career,” and that said “career” may or may not result in an appointment as an Assistant Professor of Godknowswhat someday.

1. Stand-up comedian. Because I possess the correct ratio of self-loathing and gluttony for punishment necessary to take my complete lack of taking anything seriously to the ultimate! limit! I probably wouldn’t be too successful at it because, as my brother says, “most people are dumb and wouldn’t get you.” Ergo Dane Cook, Carlos Mencia, [Insert shitty hack comic here]. But that was always my secret/not-so-secret ambition as a child, and I flirted with it a little bit as a college student. I figure I could always moonlight once I’m an Asst. Prof of Whogivesashit, and then my stage name could be ‘Professor Hilarious.’

2. Triptych artist. My latest masterpiece, “Anschauung Erfahrung Erkenntis,” makes them laugh and makes them cry.

3. Burlesque/belly dancer. All right, I’m too old. And lack about 6 inches of leg (on both upper leg and lower leg) and 3 cup sizes. But I guess there’s always been something enticing about earning a fuckton of dough just for being a woman with some coordination (oh, yes, also, I have no coordination).

4. Arbiter of Fashion Advice that Should Be Intuitive (aka, a job I made up), such as: “That wooden man-ring is neither stylish nor attractive, and I don’t care if your superserious girlfriend bought it for you as a training ring, it looks retarded.”

5. Motivational Speaker/Charismatic Religion Founder: because I have an astoundingly loud vocal register and am fairly good at bullshitting people.

6. Gymnastics commentator on the televisual machine. What’s John Tesh have that I don’t? Besides a love for Jesus and the douchiest saxophone repertoire there is? I can love Jesus if that’s what it’ll take to get me next to Tim Daggett and Elfie Schlegel during the next Olympics. My trademarks can be swearing and blatant favoritism of Russian athletes (American gymnasts are intellectually challenged and are never taught to dance and I REJOICE when they fuck up in favor of true artists like the Svetlanas of the world).

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