You know, even “Voodoo” is scarier, and I don’t believe in voodoo

I had a funny conversation last night about terrorism with a fellow displaced New Yorker, specifically, about things we are more scared of than terrorism. This is especially interesting because unlike the whackjobs in Middle America who think some sort of Osama/Iraqi superpower is going to bomb the LandlockedShittyMassO’Fatties SuperDome/Chili’s tomorrow, we realize that 9/11 was all that needed to happen and it set off exactly the chain of fearmongering holy-war events its founders envisioned–even more so because I think even militant Islamists can’t truly imagine the miltancy of a country full of SUV-driving asshats (my acrimony toward the country at large may or may not alleviate with the results of Tuesday’s election, though I am not particularly thrilled with my own party’s instistence that so-called National Security can be achieved, ever). Anyway, though both of us were within New York’s city limits when the towers fell and I breathed in WTC rubble for three months afterwards working downtown, neither of us is ever scared of terrorism, ever–and not in a "we need to be brave because otherwise the terrorists win" way, rather in an "if we die in a terrorist attack it will be random and quick" way which itself is tempered with the realization that miltancy has never and can never and will never be stamped out, it’s just a matter of which militancy maintains the Monopolisierung der Gewalt for the longest. Anyway, we were coming up with some things that scare us more than terrorism, which included:

1) Sharks
2) Tidal waves (in Orange County)
3) Parties/social interaction in general

and to that list I would like to add:

4) large boats (with or without terrorists on board)
5) snakes on a plane
6) bees in a drinking fountain*
7) czrzaszcz in a bathroom sink*
8) ants in a faucet at the beach*
9) horrible themed restaurants and the people who eat there
10) being stuck at a shitty dinner party with no way to leave
11) that Lexus commercial where the car parallel-parks itself
12) that Wal-Mart commercial where a family sits down to Thanksgiving and there is a bounty of goodies on offer and the dad is like, "WHAT ARE WE, THE ROCKEFELLERS?" and the mom is like, "DON’T WORRY, ALL THIS PERISHABLE FOOD IS FROM WAL-MART" and then the dad is like, "OH, WELL, IN THAT CASE…" and piles it all on his plate

These are the seriously scary things in our world, people, not terrorism. Everyone in middle America secretly wishes terrorism were actually the real scary threat they say it is, because that gives them the perfect excuse to be fat and dumb and violent and Apocalyptic and assy. God, I fucking hate America so much sometimes. I really do. The only thing I like about it is "Seinfeld," and the fact that I won’t be stuck in some sort of camp for saying I hate it (that, I recognize, is really important, so don’t start telling me I hate our troops because I do not hate our fucking troops–you can ask the Iraq war veteran with a body full of schrapnal and a head full of crazy I met in Germany how much I hate our troops and he’ll say, "No Ma’am, that woman bought me five beers and thanked me for protecting her right to hate all the morons who live in the shitty tract housing around her in Orange County"). I guess I just get discouraged living here, in what I guess is a hyper-idealization of the American Dream: subdivisions with their own subdivisions, in which strip malls have their own strip malls, parking lots their own parking lots, and those parking lots have little tiny mini-subdivisions in which a teeny tiny Panera Bread Company and a Teeny Tiny Starbucks engage in turf wars. And these are the people who spend all their time at the gas station filling up their Hummers worrying about terrorism. And sometimes I wish there were more terrorism and that terrorists would just go to the shitty tract-houses of these assholes and punch them in the face and steal their Hummers, and then they wouldn’t get very far because they’d run out of gas after like eight miles, and then they’d be stranded in Middle America and have to stop at a Chili’s and then they’d have heart attacks and die just like most of America will (yes, that’s death via heart attack, not terrorism). In fact, here are some other methods of death which are probably statistically more likely than terrorism:

1) Space-AIDS, Alpha-Centauri-Chlamydia, Double Gonhorrea and all other diseases I tease my friend whose name is definitely not Sam for having because he is very popular with the ladies.

2) Anthrax-infected Shark Attack

3) Electric Eel Electroshock Therapy/Stingray Heart Valve Paralysis

4) Bizarre Gardening Accidents

5) "House" Overdose

6) Dehydration from Lack of SmartWater(tm)

*these are all things that actually happened to me recently, and are all more likely than terrorist attacks. But the funny thing is, I realize that there are shitloads of potential terrorists lurking around places (most of which we have coddled into creation in the last 5 years), but I also know that if they have their little terrorist hearts set on eternity with 72 virgins and death to the infidel, there is nothing I can do to change their minds. I don’t believe in eternity, I’m stuck with the right-now, and if my right-now is cut short buy some guy blowing me up for Allah, shitty run of luck for me, but guess what? I’ll be dead, I won’t care. And so will he. And there will be nothing I can do about it. So why be scared? And why run a bunch of desperate TV ads trying to get other people scared? People confuse me.

One thought on “You know, even “Voodoo” is scarier, and I don’t believe in voodoo

  1. I was thinking tidal waves in Orange County would be a very good thing, but then I realized you’re living there. A stint in Orange County is not a character builder, unless of course you are going to punch them in the face.


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