Things the BVG could discontinue in order to cut the cost of U-Bahn tickets in Berlin

Which are currently a mind-blowing 2,10 € per single ride, 5,40 € for a Tageskarte and over 25 € for a week. I realize that is a bargain compared to owning a car, and that Berlin is unbefuckingbelievably huge (I tried, to see if it was humanly possible, to walk from my language school in Wilmersdorf to Jens and Robert’s apartment in Kreuzberg near Schlesisches Tor, where I stayed for "a couple of nights" that turned into an entire week–thank you again, guys!–and collapsed around Hallesches Tor, like seriously I had to sit down and then I almost fell asleep like a total effing goon), but I am nothing if not a practical person (ha ha) and thus have in my one week as a neo-Einwohnerin of Berlin, devised some practical cost-cutting measures that could at least drag it down to an even 2 €.

Either a detailed schedule of train arrivals OR those überefficient little signs above the tracks telling you in precicely how many minutes the next train is coming. The Germans are nothing if not a thorough people (just ask Poland), so I understand the drive toward redundancy (why didn’t Freud think up a neologism for that ?), but how necessary is it to say that trains come at 10, 13, 15, 18, 21, 25, 28, 31, 34, 37 and 40 minutes after the hour (which, this being Germany, they always do, exactly on time) and then have a big blinky sign that says the next train is coming in 3 minutes? AND when the train starts approaching, the sign starts blinking, when you could just as easily as looking at the sign look at the track and notice a big fucking train arriving?

The lady in the recording who tells you Einsteigen bitte, Zurückbleiben bitte, and Näcshste Station Schlesisches Tor Ausstieg rechts could cut out the part where she tells you to mind the gap between the train and the platform at certain stops where there is in fact a gap of about 9 inches. I figure if you don’t watch where you’re going on a regular basis,  then you deserve to be dismembered.

The trains could stand to be a little dirtier, by which I mean ‘at all dirty.’ I enjoy a vomit-free ride as much as the next guy, but I don’t need to be able to eat off the floor of an U-Bahn car–that’s what I have the floor of my own apartment for (except I don’t have my own apartment, I have one of fourteen beds in a very grim-looking dorm at a backpacker hostel, which I fled to today out of fear of overstaying my welcome at Jens and Robert’s even though they told me I could stay–last year I had a guest of "a few days" that turned into 3 weeks and it was my own personal hell, and I didn’t want to risk inflicting that on Jens and Robert). Auf jeden Fall I have plenty of surfaces off of which I can eat and none of them are the U-Bahn car floor.

One thought on “Things the BVG could discontinue in order to cut the cost of U-Bahn tickets in Berlin

  1. awesome. was just thinking about you for some reason…so I am leaving this comment as a hello… 🙂


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