I left Brooklyn just in time!

Anyone who knows me knows that while I am not a-fear’d of a lot of things that a-fear normal people (public speaking, heartbreak, car theft, terrorism, bird flu, getting mugged/raped on the street at night walking alone, coyotes, drastic life changes, moving to a new place without knowing anyone, travelling alone in exotic locales, rejection), I AM, on the other hand, chronically a-fear’d of the following things which do not a-fear normal people:

a) expired dairy products
b) driving
c) fish (live ones, in the ocean–dead ones are delicious)

and, most importantly of all:

d) BIG BOATS. Big boats are my #1 fear. They are so scary. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to ride on one, much less look at one. How something that big can…MOVE. It’s just not right. It’s like the rough beast moving its slow thighs, slouching toward Bethlehem to be reborn (no, not the Monster). Nothing that large should move. As I said. It’s not! Right! So when I saw this article in today’s NYT about how the inexplicable Queen Mary 2 docked in my old stomping grounds of Brooklyn, I shuddered, covered my eyes, and then peeked between my fingers just in time to link this photo:


Now if that doesn’t scare the bejeezus out of you, that means you, Sir, have no bejeezus. And it being Passover/Easter, that is just not acceptable! Gah, imagine just hanging around in Brooklyn on a Saturday morning, recovering from a hangover like a normal person, and then suddenly you catch sight of an oddly-shaped, ginormous, town-sized building…and then you realize it’s not a building at all, because it’s MOVING. AAUGH. AUGH. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH. I’ve never been happier to be away from Brooklyn. I mean seriously, look at that thing. In the foreground you have regular-sized Brooklyn apartment buildings–BUILDINGS, which are not only bigger than people, but bigger than normal-sized boats, even ostentatious Jay-Z style yachts. And that fucking boat is like 10,000 times the size of the whole city block! AND IT MOVES. I can’t believe nobody else finds this chilling. I’m going to have to look at my own blog between my fingers for the next month, that’s how chilling I find it.

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