By the time I actually manage to conk out tonight (see #1) I will have studied today for 11 hours. However, I was awake (or, to use one of the many forms of the English subjunctive, "will have been awake"**) for 16 hours today and left my room exactly twice, once to check the mail (bupkis) and once to call the Monster (Hey Monster, Kappa Kappa Gamma sez: ROCK UR EXAMZ! Also, Jesus is rad!!!) for exactly 12 minutes.

This leaves a reasonable person to ask two questions. One: "What is wrong with you?" And two: "What did you do for those other five hours?"

To the first question I say: Fuck you, Brian Wilson was a genius not in spite of his reclusive behavior, but because of it, and I have more work than any of you except for the Monster ("Don’t take two comprehensive exams in the same week," he reminds everyone, to which I say, "I have to take two coprehensive exams in the same week, thanks," to which he says, "Yes, but are yours in fucking Greek? Or a language that’s ALMOST EXACTLY LIKE ENGLISH?"), which isn’t necessarily true but I am kind of slow and my work takes. Me. Forever. Because I only read 20 pages an hour in German and I am slow. All right. To the second question, I give you this sweet list (instead of going outside and getting some exercise, which would be altogether too responsible–plus I’ve been sick this week, and also it’s midnight, so shut it).

1. Sleep. Not only did I accidentally sleep until embarassingly late today due to certain LANCH companions and their birthday parties, but I took a Bad Nap* and now I’ll be up all damn night.

2. Eat orange food. For some reason I only eat food that is orange right now. Today all I’ve had to eat is a pile of carrots, some Trader Joe’s Brand Frozen Latkes (I thawed them, calm down), multiviatmin juice (it’s orange), applesauce, and carrot cake. Oh, and an orange. Of course. That’s what got me thinking about the orange food thing in the first place. They don’t call this place the OC for nothing. Oranges here are delicious. And no, I do not normally eat such unhealthy crap, but I am currently recovering from an illness and stressing out because did I mention I studied for 11 hours today?

3. Two words and an ampersand: Law & Order. Concurrent with the Bad Nap.

4. Here’s one I’m particularly ashamed of: Looking Up People I No Longer Speak To on Friendster. I realize everyone does this, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling dirty. For example, I now know that my erstwhile roommate Tanya, who hates me more than anyone could possibly hate anyone else (and she has her reasons, believe you me, I was EXTREMELY fucking stupid and selfish in my early twenties, plus I had horrible taste in men, as you will soon discover) has a degree in urban planning from Columbia and has gone back to her natural hair color. I also know that Simon, my first boyfriend out of college and possibly the person who has been cruelest and nastiest and most abusive to me ever (and, unlike Tanya, he does NOT have his reasons, as the only thing I ever did "wrong" during the 1.5 years of hell otherwise known as our "relationship" was have a constant series of nervous panic breakdowns due to his unrelenting belittlement and cruelty), has somehow convinced another human being to marry him (although, in his defense, it is possible that he has changed by now, as I have, and that perhaps if I would like Tanya to stop hating me someday, I should stop hating Simon and everyone can put the Hatorade away and do push-ups and read Us Weekly and be somewhat reasonably happy. The moral to this story, of course, is Never Go On Friendster Ever.

* A "Bad Nap" is defined as "any nap begun after 3 p.m., especially those begun after 5 p.m. and thus ending when it’s dark outside and making one discombobulated and self-loathing about one’s total fucking uselessness in the world."

** a super awesome classmate of the Monster’s, who is not a native speaker of English and shall remain nameless because he kind of scares me, claimed last week that English has no subjunctive. To which I say: "I would believe you if that were true."

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