by Franz Kafka

[see previous years’ resolutions, if you dareMax Brod]

1. Mail letter directly to Father. Do not just hand-deliver to Mother, no matter how much money it might save.

2. Get lungs checked out–keep putting that off! What is wrong with me? Don’t answer that.

3. Remember to add "PSYCHE!!" onto hilarious April Fools’ joke to Max re: destroying entire canon of unpublished work at time of demise. Let’s face it, people, Max is a little slow and he might not figure it out. That moustache covers a dullard’s lip. [The ladies love the ‘stache and what do you call publishing even the fucking Castle, which you didn’t even finish? I hate this job. –M.B.]

4. Revise several female characters in novels, so as to provide some variety in archetypes and pretend I do not view all women as either my sister Ottla or a whore.

5. Finish In der Strafkolonie in time to catch second half of "Law & Order" marathon–that Vincent D’inofrio is a melodramatic douche bag, but the ones with Mr. Big are pretty sweet.

6. Check out one of those Landmark Forum seminars–it’s my own inner blockage that stands in the way of me becoming extraordinary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. Up reps on bench-pressing. Must add tone in addition to bulk to already-hulking frame. [Oh, hilarious. –M.B.]

8. You know what I enjoy? A good lemon.

9. Terrible stomach pain. Why?

10. Can’t get that godawful "My Humps" song out of my head. Might have to kill myself.

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