Things I Learned from Every Job I’ve Had Since College

1998-1999 (book publishing): Authors=tyranny. Most manuscripts are godawful. Talented writers who manage to encounter publishers first have to get by the towering wall of cynicism-bricks that is an underpaid, overworked, astoundingly bitter assistant, who, if left to her own devices, will someday develop into an underpaid, overworked, astoundingly bitter editor (except my ex-boss, who is actually a really nice person with no control over the meager wages of the publishing industry)

1999-2000 (the dot-com boom): Intersting and exciting job + brilliant but ethical boss + best friends as coworkers + terrific location = bankruptcy

2000-2001 (glamorous men’s magazine): No matter how stupid your company’s sexual harassment training is, don’t write about it for what you think is an obscure webzine but will actually be seen by David Granger.

2001 (off-off-off-Broadway producer): Don’t lend someone shitloads of money to stage a play, no matter how many boyfriends you meet as a result.

2001-2002 (nonprofit): Just because you aren’t technically a graphic designer does not mean that you can’t be one anyway.

2002 (junior college instructor): Students are a bunch of plagiarizing, ungrateful little shits (with few wonderful and brilliant young exceptions–Jaikinya, Takiya, Eric, Erica, Aileen, Elisa, Toccara, I am talking to you!) who enjoy taking and taking and taking and taking, will do anything to get out of paying attention during class and/or doing their work, and notice everything you do, no matter how miniscule.

2003 (two jobs): Working two jobs is hard, and will definitely make you fat.

2003-present (professional TV watcher): Commericals and product placements on the televisual machine are even more insidious and menacing than you think, but it is your damn fault for watching all of that crap in the first place, so stop complaining and read a fucking book.

Now here is a list of jobs my friends have had that are admittedly more difficult than any of the preceding, just so you don’t think I’m some sort of dick: production assistant, taxi driver, waiter, bartender, assistant to a literary agent, babysitter/nanny, medical student/doctor, law student/lawyer

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