Three office-wide rules made specifically in my honor (and the things I did to inspire them)

1. No fraternizing between the day staff and the night staff (had a conversation with my best friend once; resulted in laughing and general life enjoyment for a few brief seconds)

2. No going into the editors’ offices if you aren’t being edited; no closing the doors to them ever (got broken up with by boyfriend of three years; desired crying-related privacy)

3. No posting of party flyers in the office (invited coworkers to going-away festivities, which by the way will be totally rockin’!!!)

And now, here are some imaginary new rules and what I could do to make them

1. No silent rebellious thoughts (executives could someday take a tour of my brain, and then what would they find?!?!?!?!)

2. No enjoying yourself at work for ANY reason, EVER! This includes horsing around, goofing off, tomfoolery, roughhousing, smiling, laughing, funnin’, kidding, joking, push-ups or the wearing of colorful clothes (a job where you have to work in the middle of the night with a bunch of cool people your age should be HORRIBLY ASOCIAL!!!)

3. Any employee with more than two friends must be immediately maligned in front of everyone else (if they start hanging out with each other, it may lead to any or all of the undesirable activities mentioned in Imaginary Rule #1, and if some executive tours our office and finds out that we have any sort of extracurricular social lives with each other, that might be too normal and pleasant and it must! be! stopped!)

4. There will be no imaginary mean nicknames given to anyone, including but not limited to: Proctor John, No-Fun McGee, the Great Snittinator, Menacing Jones or Meanypants McDougal

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