Dear UPS:

You people are total douches!!!!! I paid you $227 in advance to come pick up 7 packages from my apartment building, and your dicky driver showed up and didn’t buzz my apartment and saw the packages on the other side of the vestibule door, and STILL just drove away and left some assy fuck of a piece of paper on the floor half-assedly like a JERK!!! Then I called your customer service center and they said they would "put in a request" in the computer and someone would call me within the hour, which is super awesome and warm and fuzzy and everything, but does not take away my 7 packages or give me back my $227. I realize that $227 is probably one bajillionth of what your megacorporation takes in in a microsecond, but to me that is what in technical terms is referred to as a "shitload of dough," and so I would like to list the other things I could have purchased with the $227 you took from me in advance in exchange for basically doing nothing. With $227, I could have purchased:

1. One and a half lap dances from my former coworker the stripper, WITH champagne.

2. Twenty-two and a half bottles of my preferred brand of cheap sparkling wine, to be consumed with grilled cheese sandwiches.

3. Seventy-nine loaves of bread and twenty-five blocks of cheese with which to make grilled cheese sandwiches to wash down with cheap sparling wine.

4. Seventeen handmade, 100 percent hemp hackey sacks, to give to all of my new friends in Oregon, where I am going and also shipping all of my stuff, or at least where I paid $227 to ship all of my stuff, although apparently to you people "shipping" involves "showing up to a building where there is clearly a buzzer marked S[my last name] and looking at your order form for S[my last name] and the packages for SC[my last name] you can clearly see on the other side of the vestibule and then back at the buzzer and then back at the order form and then apparently having a very severe stroke, but not so severe that you could not fill out a useless little dicky form."

5. Fifteen gourmet pizzas and fifteen ice cream sundaes to eat after the pizzas.

6. One very fashionable pair of shoes that will help give my stumpy legs the illusion of length so as to make me a hit with the fellas.

7. Three mid-priced pairs of shoes for the same purpose.

8. Two cross-country Grehyound bus tickets, for all of the America soul-searching I’m now going to have to do to get over the devastation of not being able to ship my stuff and yet also being $227 poorer.

9. Four hundred Twinkies.

10. Ten tickets to shitty movies; or, alternately, tickets for me and nine of my friends to see "Howl’s Moving Castle," the latest offering from master Japanese animator Hayao Miyazaki.

11. Four months of car insurance.

13. A comfortable but shittily-made bed from IKEA.

14. Three months of French lessons.

15. The first payment of a financed boob job.

16.  Membership to a YMCA.

17. A whole shitload of Girl Scout cookies.

18. The salary of a humourous writer who could keep a nice head of steam going and finish out a much longer list of hilarious items than this one.

I am sure you are probably too busy eating babies (or rather, making appointments to eat babies and taking $227 from people and then not having the COURTESY to show up and eat the babies!!!) to register this complaint, but unlike you, I keep my promises, and I promised myself I would not rest until you guys were aware that you are dicks!!!!!!!!


Rebecca S.
International Sex Symbol

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