I got my housing offer from UC-Irvine today, meaning that I won’t actually be a PhD student/surf "bum" in California as previously feared. In true it’s-like-college-except-I-have-crow’s-feet-and-am-divorced fashion, I’ve been assigned two total strangers to room with, and in an effort to get the proverbial "ball rolling" with them, the housing office sent me a questionnaire for me to fill out and send along. I am afraid that if I filled it out the way I wanted to and sent it to these two women, they would ask to be reassigned, so instead I am filling it out the way I want to and putting it on the Internet for everyone to see. That’s why they’re letting me get a PhD, people–I’m smart!!! Anyway, here’s what they say:
We encourage you to get in contact with the apartment mates assigned to you and engage in discussion around the following topics prior to your move in:
Important issues to discuss: Eating habits? Worship practices? Sexual Orientation?
I am a devoted follower of a religion of my own invention. Its dogma is secret and the only copy of its doctrine is written on a futuristic microchip I keep in my left eyelid. Most practices are extremely secretive, but do involve, amazingly enough, food and sexual orientation, such as eating uncooked endangered monkey meat off the naked asses of hookers of all genders, preferably transgendered, but I’m on a budget so I can’t really afford to be picky.
What are your study habits? Where do you study? When do you study? Under what conditions do you prefer to study?
Studying is for nerds! I’m going to grad school to join a grad school sorority and find a husband.
Noise levels: music/television/phone?
I watch the television on mute and listen only to air-mixes, but insist on having all of my conversations, including extensive discussions with my gynocologist and other people’s gynocologists, on speakerphone with the volume turned all the way up. I also like to yell into the speakerphone at top volume in case the gynocologists have trouble hearing me.
Gatherings in the unit: Frequency? Number of attendees? Purpose?
Every Saturday I buy fresh groceries from my neighborhood Wal-Mart and make a sampler of purees and pates and synthetic foie gras, which I serve to no more than six but no less than five other people for a period of nine hours straight in a hot-tub I construct myself out of old sake cups. The purpose of these gatherings should be OBVIOUS.
Cleaning: How will the duties be delegated? How often?
If God had wanted us to clean our own apartments, He wouldn’t have invented exploitative maid services for us to underpay.
Security, (locking doors and windows), Who will have access to the unit?
The pool boy, the gardener, the UPS man, the milkman, and anyone else with whom I can have a titilating extramarital affair and inspire one or more Lifetime movies with.
What about Guests: Daytime? Overnight? Short-term? Frequency?
In my spare time, I run a home for wayward youth, so I plan on constructing a tarp-tent in the middle of the living room and having a steady stream of vagabond punk kids coming in and out at their leisure. You must set firm limits with them and stop trying to be their best friends all the time, or they will never stop with the marijuana and the disappearing in Aruba.
Borrowing items: Permitted? Frequency?
I expect you to covet my collection of White Lion box sets and impressive array of vintage crushed Pabst Blue Ribbon cans, but you may not touch them or I will have to pour lye on you when you sleep. I, however, will wear and soil your clothes at my whim, and allow the wayward youth staying in our living room tent-tarp to use them to build nests with.
Telephone usage: Private Lines? Shared line, responsibility for long distance calls? Messages?
Where I come from, we view the "telephone" as a false prophet invented in Hell designed to test the true followers of God.
Unit temperature: Open windows? Air condition/heat usage as it relates to cost? I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder so badly that even the constant sunshine of California will not satisfy me; therefore in addition to keeping the heat on full blast despite the fact that California is always 80 degrees, I will also furnish the entire unit with Wolff tanning lamps so that we always look awesome.
Cooking habits? Cabinet/refrigerator space and delegation? Sleeping habits? Quiet times?
I actually only cook in my sleep and require total silence to do so.
Any pet peeves?
Being looked directly at; the sound of chicken bones hitting a garbage can; English spoken aloud; the clearing of throats; people with hair; toenail fungus; "windows."
The way I react to most people when I first meet them is…with derisive laughter and/or flashing my breasts.
When I am depressed, I usually…laugh derisively and flash my breasts, so it can be kind of confusing, especially if we just met.
The way I react when I’m under pressure is …to embark on homicidal rampages, but not with anyone you know, so calm down.
When I’d rather be left alone, I will …light some candles, draw a bubble bath, put on some smooth jazz compliations and eat an entire pint of Dove Brand Chocolate Ice Cream with Authentic Chocolate Self-Loathing Ganache on top.
Something that always cheers me up is …megalomania.
I usually let people know I’m angry by …building up a storehouse of silent, seething and extremely passive resentment.
What I’m looking for in an apartment-mate is …excellent Aryan breeding eugenics.