Today I actually told one of my friends that an old ex of mine was boring because his "actual self was the same as his apparent self." Not only is that possibly the most obnoxious thing I’ve ever said (and that’s saying a lot), but it’s also antithetical to my usual proto-nihilistic "there is no difference between actual and apparent; actual IS apparent" quasi-ethos. Anyway, because I had a long, rough (but also thereby awesome) evening yesterday, and because nothing could possibly make "White Oleander" on Lifetime any more viewable (Golden Girls marathon, where are you when I need you?), here is a List of Products’ Apparent Names and What I Think Their Actual Names Should Be.

1. Apparent: Gatorade; Actual: Hangover Go-Bye-Bye Juice (closely beating out its second-place Actual name, Stomach Flu ‘Twixt Puking Desperation Tonic)

Really, does anyone actually drink Gatorade after working out? Despite that commercial that shows the Australian triathlete guy bonking out five meters from the finish line that one time? No, the answer is no. Gatorade does a booming business because of drunks and little puking kids.

2. Apparent: Doritos; Actual: I Just Broke Up With Someone And Don’t Care About My Gross Breath Or Huge Ass, Thank You Very Much, Wanna Make Out?

That’s right, James Franco–I’m single now, and who wouldn’t want this?

3. Apparent: Tag Body Spray/Axe Body Spray; Actual: Deluded Metrosexual Meathead Douchification Serum

Gentlemen, there’s a fine line between personal hygeine and walking around smelling like a Chippendales dancer–if you’re going to wear one of those gross skank-o cologne sprays, you might as well wear a tuxedo jacket with the sleevers ripped off to go with it.

4. Apparent: Doppelventi Carmel Mocha Chip Apple Banana Pie Megafrappuccino; Actual: Frigid Highlights-Wearing Husband Hunter’s Only Act of Self-Indulgence

They must give out gross-out coffee milkshake gift certificates at the Coach store or something, or else the entire female midtown Manhattan workforce passed a resolution specifying that nobody’s hand is allowed to be Frappuccino-free. Gross. Dumb.

5. Apparent: Becherovka; Actual: Train Wreck In A Bottle

Yep.

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