Here are some movies I hate that everyone is supposed to love and think are awesome.

1. Casino
DeNiro plus Pesci plus Las Vegas plus excessive voiceover plus bludgeoning a guy to death with a baseball bat in excruciating detail equals TOTAL SUCKO.

2. Heat

Cargo van plus a bunch of violence plus some dudes equals YAWNFEST 5000.

3. That One Where Russell Crowe is the Math Genius But Then Goes Crazy

I have never actually seen this movie, but I have seen enough trailers and clips and heard enough people talk about it that I know that I hate it a lot. Therefore I also hate the forthcoming "Cinderella Man" because it is written by that same Akiva Goldsman hackeroo.

4. Titanic

I’d like to take everyone who likes this movie and put THEM on a giant sinking ship, starting with my jerky, abusive, manipulative, controlling, jerk asshole of a long-ago ex-boyfriend (we’ll call him "Clive" because that sounds sort of like "Simon"–my current ex-boyfriend’s name is "Jacob" and he is a really really nice guy, just to keep things straight) who made me watch that piece of shit in the first place. Come to think of it, he also made me watch Casino. Come to think of it, he is responsible for most shitty movies I’ve been made to watch, including but not limited to:

5. The Matrix
I didn’t "get" it, I guess…except that the sequel and third-quel were so shitty that they made everyone realize how shitty the first one really was, ha ha ha! Walking out of this movie with the aforementioned assholiest ex ever, I joked, "Oooh, when I am in the fakeo Matrix world I shall wear only Helmet Lang!!!" and he was mad at me for the rest of the day, like almost violently mad, because I don’t "get" cyberpunk. What the fuck is there to "get" about cyberpunk? It’s a cool-sounding word for "science fiction," and an excuse for EverQuest-addicted antisocial wank-addicts to pretend they are cool when they are really just geeks.

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