That’s right. I’m back in blogland after a month of trans-European adventure, and the 60th anniversary of the end of World War II has reminded me of many items of great historical significance, including new evidence surrounding Albert Speer’s complicity in the more unsavory events of the Holocaust (Mr. Architect of Germania himself, who got away with 20 years at Nuremberg, even though a recent article in Der Spiegel attests that he probably would have received a similar fate as Himmler and Hess if all the information had been present at the time). It’s also reminded me about the importance of a good Enemies List.
I’ve shared some of the members of my Enemies List before, but like any worthy crazy person, my Enemies List is a work in progress, always evolving, always growing and changing, kind of like in Zen meditation. My Enemies List does yoga. My Enemies List attends personal-growth seminars. My Enemies List taunts me with the office snack machine.
My Enemies List (Continued)
1. The Two Quasi-Hipster Guys on the L Train Last Night Who Had a Loud and Obnoxious Fake Conversation About How Much They Hated iPods For Exactly My Benefit
GUY 1: “YOU’RE not COOL, because YOU don’t have an IPOD.”
GUY 2: “YES IT’S TRUE, I will NOT BE ACCEPTABLE IN SOCIETY until I HAVE ONE.”
Listen, you twenty-three-year-old, holier-than-thou little shits. You don’t fucking know me, and last I checked I did not take my iPod and shove it up either of your asses, or use it to choke you, or dent your foreheads with it, or do anything else with either my person or my iPod that would hurt either of you in any way. You don’t know why I have an iPod. As it happens, it was a breaking-up-with-my-ex present to myself in order to keep a little piece of my identity, my music collection, with me through the turbulent next three months of my sad little existence. However, last I checked, New York HR 1056(c), the Justifying the Existence of your iPod to Obnoxious Non-iPod-Having Hipsters Act of 2005, is stalled in the legislature, so I don’t fucking have to give you any reason at all for me having an iPod. I could have received it as part of my massive extravagant allowance from my rich Republican parents and you would STILL not have the place to give me shit about it because guess what? Everyone in the frickin’ city has an iPod now. The other day I saw a hobo with one (well, either a hobo or a really hip hipster, or one of the Kings of Leon)! What makes me so ridicule worthy? I happen to have been listening to an actor’s rendition of “Betracthung” by Kafka, to practice my German, and it was 1 a.m. and I was on my way home from work to my tiny walk-through room and my air mattress and my very! lonely! existence! so you can take your non-iPod-having, self-rightoeous, loud-for-my-benefit fake conversation and shove it in your urethras.
2. The Current Ad on the Televisual Machine for A Feminine Hygeine Product Wherein a Woman Approaches Other Women in the Supermarket and Asks Them If Their Pads Ever Get “Wet and Sticky”
Gross! Gross! Gross!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is almost enough to make me join the Parents’ Television Jerkoff Fest ‘Everwood’ Haters’ Convention and write an aghast letter to Michael Powell. Sure, I’m a “feminist” or something and I don’t think women should be ashamed of their special dirty reproductive Eve-was-a-liar scourge parts that make them inferior to men, but some things, like the phrase “wet and sticky” in conjunction with feminine hygeine products, should never be uttered on the television.
3. The Olsen Twins of the Aryan Nations Set
You really just have to see this to believe it. Lynx and Lamb are non-identical, cute-as-a-button twins who spend their days being home-schooled in the benefits of racial purity and their nights TOTALLY ROCKIN’ OUT as the aptly-named Prussian Blue. Sieg-sieg-sieggety Heil, baby! The best part is that one of the songs on their forthcoming album, “Fragments of the Future,” is a German folk song called “Weiss Weiss Weiss.” Now I’m sure this song gets the Neo-Nazis all up in a boner club when these two little sex kittens bust it out (they have learned early on, according to their mom, that their main priorities in life should be “to make a lot of pure White children”), but for a bunch of people obsessed with their pure German heritage, these assholes don’t really speak any German because “Weiss Weiss Weiss” is a lovely song about the many colors worn and loved by ladies whose “sweethearts” are hunters, bakers, blacksmiths, etc, and actually celebrates diversity in its own odd German little way.