Saul Bellow’s death is to the contemporary American intellectual–all seven of us–what the Pope’s demise is to the world’s religious people, or what Reagan’s was to the world’s biggest assholes. You can’t very well shake your fist at the sky and go, "Why, God, you douche bag, why? He was ONLY 89!!!"

I mean, 89 (or 84 in the PopeMaster4000’s case, or 93 in the Second-Worst President of All Time’s) is older than most people’s lifespans; it’s older than I plan to live (see the Premarin post below; I plan to die dramatically and tragically just before menopause). And yet still, I am losing my shit over this dead cantankerous old Jew who was old even when he was young, because of what his still being alive symbolized for the handful of people in this country of brainwashed, wilfully-ignorant retards.

Simply by still being alive, Saul Bellow said to me, "Hey, toots, you got a license for that caboose? Toot toot!" And then after that, he said to me, "Don’t despair about the state of the world; you are still alive at the same time as one of the greatest writers of the 20th century. Me. Yes, that’s right, I said me. Who here has a Nobel prize, me or you? Yes, me, that’s right. But the bright side is, I’m alive at the same time as you, and therefore I provide a miniscule sliver of hope for the survival of brilliant writing in this world, and for the survival of anyone thinking brilliant writing is worth anything at all."

And now with him dead, I’m afraid that instead of a Grass or a…well, or an [insert great living writer here] taking his place as the greatest writer alive, rightfully I mean, the next greatest writer alive will be Jonathan Safran Foer or fucking Dan "DaVinci Code" Brown or fucking that guy who wrote He’s Just Not That Into You. Bellow himself bemoaned the closing of the American mind (even going so far as to lend his big fancy name to the preface of the Alan Bloom book of that very title), and with his death the hope of that mind opening again dies too. Now jeez, enough of the big-wordy ramblin’ and stuff, "Showdog Moms & Dads" is on. Time Magazine called it "awesome"!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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