Well, not least healthy. That’s a bit hyperbolic. There are plenty of sandwiches less healthy than the Schumanwich, my new creation. Some of them include but are not limited to:

• Bacon, Mayonnaise and Dr. Atkins Salad Dressing on an IHOP Stuffed Pancake
• The “Fat Mace”
• Jenny Craig Maceroni & Cheese and Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia on Brioche
• Egg Salad

So, with that in mind, I now share with you my new delicious recipe for the Schumanwich, Sandwich of All Sandwiches.

I got the epiphany for this sandwich during one of my many sleepless nights. This night had the great pleasure of being sleepless as well as hunger-plagued. (Kafka was a chronic insomniac; he once joked to Felice that he spent “half the night sleepless and the other half wakeful.” But I digress). Anyway, if there’s one thing you wouldn’t want to know about me but I’m going to share anyway, it’s that I am nearly always hungry. Except when I’m not, like right now, my belly full of the Schumanwich, Xanadu Stately Pleasure-Dome of Sandwiches I do decree. And therefore without further ado, I share with all one of you the makings of the Schumanwich, the Private Dick Who Gets All The Chicks of Sandwiches. Perhaps tomorrow if I fashion myself another Schumanwhich. I’ll take a picture, but for now:

The Schumanwich
Prep Time: 1 minute (I know, excessive, but bear with me)
Cook time: 3 minues (holy crap, I know, but hang on)
Total cost of ingredients: $2 (yowza, calm down)

Ingredients:

• 2 slices bread of non-rye variety
• Ample pat butter
• 2 tbsp peanut butter, any kind except “low carb” or “low fat,” in which case you are an asshole and don’t deserve a Schumanwich
• 1/2 green apple, sliced

In small to medium skillet not afflicted with salmonella, melt enough butter to grill a sandwich. Place one slice of bread on melted butter and grill on low to medium heat while you cut the apple and spread the other bread slice with peanut butter.

Stick the apple slice on the peanut buttered bread. Slam the whole thing down on the slice currently grilling. Smush it together with a plate (or spatula if you must be all fancy). Flip the creation over and grill the other side. Don’t burn it or you’ll be very sad. Grilling times vary, you’re not stupid.

When both sides are a ridiculously delicious golden brown, slide the Schumanwich onto a plate. Garnish with remaining apple. Stuff it in your gullet and thank me later.