I have been trying to leave Oregon for two days now. An ice storm hit right before I was supposed to take off yesterday and it’s all gone downhill since. Highlights include: the entire Portland airport having one golf-cart full of expired de-icing fluid to serve its fleet, me oversleeping today and barely missing my new flight this morning (at 6am), me leaving my wallet at my brother’s apartment and returning (again) from the airport, the airport train shutting down yesterday and me waiting in line outside in the 20 degree weather for a godot-like bus, the hippies in Oregon refusing to salt anything resulting in completely iced over roads, sidewalks, everything, and finally, awesomely, most kickassedly: due to aforementioned ice on everything, I just five minutes ago walked in my socks from the MAX to my brother’s apartment because my shoes kept slipping on the ice and I actually got stuck–STUCK–trying to go up a sidewalk wheelchair ramp-curb thing and had to either crawl or use the heat from my feet to melt the ice slightly so it would stick to them and I could walk. I chose the latter, and let me tell how how awesome I looked walking down the streets of downtown Portland carrying a duffel bag, in my socks. I fit right in with the homeless people. What’s even awesomer is that I am going to miss a night of work tonight and after a week’s vacation it is not something I can really afford to do–not that I’m afraid I’ll get fired (well, I am perpetually afraid of that), but that I make an hourly wage and desperately needed tonight’s pay. So I am going to sell some of my CDs and books when I get home and try to recoup a little bit of cash; unfortunately my old ‘poor person diet’ of egg sandwiches is out the window due to last week’s unfortunate food poisoning event; perhaps the Age of Ramen has begun. I often hear my religious friends talk about God’s divine plan for people, especially when things are down. "Don’t despair–God has a special plan just for you." This has lead me to believe that God’s plan for me is to a) remain in Portland indefinitely and b) purchase a pair of ice skates for transportation. Oh! Perhaps God wants me to take up where Tonya Harding left off?!?!? Perhaps God wants me to walk around barefoot on the ice until the frostbite makes me go crazy and I club someone in the knee! That’s IT.

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6 thoughts on “if there was ever any doubt before that I am the world’s awesomest person, let those doubts now come to rest

  1. I think God wants you to appreciate how much New York rocks and how much you miss it right now and how much you’ll miss it when you’re gone.
    Or something.

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  2. Frankly, it sounds way more like God wants you to be excited about LA. We turned off our heat today because it was getting all too-hot inside. But now there’s a breeze, so maybe I’ll use my thin little blankee.
    Three words: Thin. Li’l. Blankee.

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  3. OK, but the last time I was in L.A., the Angelenos I was with on New Year’s Day started complaining about how cold they were, and how miserable the weather was, and how a winter storm was coming on and they didn’t want to do anything except huddle by the fireplace, all because it was FIFTY-FIVE DEGREES OUTSIDE. And they were wearing hats and scarves and gloves and shit. And two of them were originally from the Midwest.
    You’re totally going to lose your cold-weather edge, and then we will have to laugh at you when you wear a parka in sixty-degree weather. I’m just saying.

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  4. and now it’s so fucking cold here in NY that, as Lewis Black said, I am incapable of having a complete thought. “You know, I should really–FUCK, IT’S COLD!” Hey, Josh, I’m sorry Jacob couldn’t do your thingy–he is really bummed about it. He was looking forward to it so much.

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