I’m Abstaining, Why Can’t You?

Last year my new year’s resolution was to wake up earlier in the morning. Luckily I did not specify "all the time," so I consider that one kept. The year before it was to lose some weight, which should put me in jail for being trite. This year, I am making a one-month resolution to abstain from alcohol until February. Now I am not a very big drinker to begin with, no matter what my mother thinks, but this semester’s finals season and the stultifying depression I get into every December (this year being particularly terrible because CHRISTMAS was under SEIGE by a bunch of EVIL JEWS and JEW-LOVERS and SECULAR ABORTIONISTS) made for the realization yesterday that I may have a tiny belly made entirely of liquor. So my first throught was to make like Mrs. Blank in the episode of Strangers With Candy where she pours all her mixers down the drain (that episode, full disclosure, also features one Jacob Pitts in the role of Craig Snow, so you should all go watch it and love it), and pour all of my mixers down the drain. My second thought was to dry up for a month instead. Now as I said before, I am not a big drinker. So basically I’m doing this entirely for shallow reasons. The upside will be that I’ll be very svelte. The downside will be that the demons in my head will never shut up. This is a fairly big price to pay, so I’ve asked that in return, my conservative evangelical friends refrain from using the following words for the entire month of January: "activist agenda," "liberal Hollywood," "radical homosexuality," "anti-family" or "the United Nations is the Antichrist’s apostate church." Not only is it tiring to hear you spew out the same banal catch phrases in lieu of actual coherant, individual creative thought, but it will exacerbate my already-splitting headache. In return, I will attempt, in my painful temperance, to stop referring to conservative evangelicals as "fun-ruining jerkomatic7000s." Now, if you’ll excuse me, mother needs to take her pills. IS THAT A WIRE HANGER? Look what you made me do!

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