Resolutions at New-Year Time ’05
by Franz Kafka
(update: not to be confused with Resolutions at New-Year Time ’04)
1. Copy tumultous, climactic, Earth-shattering final chapter of The Castle out of super-secret notebook before I burn it. I repeat: copy world-changing, Buddhist-conversion-explaining final chapter of The Castle out of extra-super-secret, about-to-be-burned notbeook before I burn it. If I were to destroy the end of The Castle accidentally, and it were to be posthumously published without my permission after my untimely death, that would be devastating, not only to me, but to all of literature forever. If my especially-important, secret-of-the-universe-revealing last chapter of The Castle never sees the light of day, my entire body of work will have been misunderstood.
2. Smoke less of that tobacky they call "wacky," or else I might not remember to copy my last chapter of the…wait, what?
[…make unscheduled manuscript-burning trip to fireplace…]
3. Whoops. Man, I give up.
4. Should listen to more Cher. She really is a true artist and very undervalued.
5. Must try those new Tastee-Wingz(TM) at TGI Friday’s. With an extra-tall Friday Freezee Hurricaine. If only there were a TGI Friday’s here in Prague. If only…
6. Will NOT be cut before final round of Real World casting this year. MUST make it to the house–will stop at nothing to share overdecorated dormitory in major American city with large-breasted stupid people. Why don’t they choose me? I’m interesting.
7. Shall actually get married this time. Really. Truly. I mean it!!!
8. Hope to receive giant motor-car as gift, and hope motor-car has giant red ribbon on top of it.
9. Should probably get tattoo of MILENA FOREVER removed from ass.
10. Get mysterious blood-chunky cough checked out. Could be something serious.