God Says ‘Duh”

Wait, let me back up. I spent the previous weekend in Kentucky, attending the lovely but brief wedding (gotta love the civil ceremony, big-up to Kierkegaard!) of my gorgeous cousin Daniel to his even-more-gorgeous wife Angela. Highlights of the weekend included the first human being in my field of vision in the Cincinnati airport (which is IN KENTUCKY, which should be a sign) being a dead ringer for dead serial killer Aileen Wuornos. They also included some douche bag friend of Dan’s hitting on me during the reception, in front of every member of my immediate family and by comparing me to a vampire. ("You’ve got the vampire thing going. You’re so pale, you must be a vampire. You’ve got this coal-black hair, you must be a vampire." a la David Cross in Ghost World).

And they also especially one hundred percent included this "article" which was PUBLISHED, published with a headline and a byline and everything, in the Lexington Herald-Leader. Apparently, Bible teacher/writer Elizabeth Stuart of Lexington has proven imaginary conversations between God and John the Revelator which explain/vindicate Bush’s re-election. Yes, that’s right. It’s a published article in a supposedly legitimate newspaper in Kentucky wherein a woman attempts to bestow on Bush’s presidency a divine decree by way of an imaginary conversation with God in her brain. And the newspaper published it! Click on any of the links in this paragraph to read the whole blessed thing, and get a taste here:

JOHN: What do you plan to do with the liberal media and the fun-filled,
clueless Hollywood losers? Couldn’t you just wave your hand and change
them into believers? That would solve a lot of America’s moral decline.

GOD: If I did, they would never understand my son’s sacrifice of their own sins.


JOHN: [Liberals’] rationale is that all human beings have a "fulfilled mental" right to anything that feels good and makes them happy.

GOD: Duh. My clear message down through history is that I will not bless a nation that promotes homosexuality and abortion. The story of Sodom and Gomorrah should replace the politically correct tolerance taught in public schools these days to give children a true picture of what will happen to them if they go down that path.

If this were not the rantings of a complete crazy person, I’d be really depressed and frightened. But do keep in mind, friends, that people like this are in flippin’ charge of the most powerful country in the history of the universe.

Sadly (for those of you reading this after Dec 20), the Herald-Leader makes its articles pay-per-arhchive after a week, so just so you guys can see what people in the more conservative areas of the country are thinking. In fact, here’s the best of all the snippets. (I’d print the whole thing but that be illegal…4realz, respect.) So without futher ado:

JOHN: What do you intend to do to show all your obedient ones how pleased you are with them?

GOD: Oh, that’s easy. I’m rewarding them with four more years of George W. Bush as their president. That should convince those misguided liberals that all authority comes from me. John, issue a statement to the New York Times and Dan Rather. "W" is my man. Maybe they’ll make it into a bumper sticker.

I’m always on the side of righteous government. When the American people vote my way, they get righteous government as a blessing, and "when it goes well with the righteous, the city rejoices" (Proverbs 11:10) Righteousness is good citizenship, appreciated by a civilized population.


That last bit reminds me of Bill Hicks, when he said: "Ever notice how people who don’t believe in evolution look really fuckin’ unevolved?" I would have little problem believing that someone created this woman’s brain in one day.

The best part of this article is: if John is conversing directly with God, why does God need to quote the Bible? He’s God, right? So he can make up anything new that he wants! He doesn’t have to quote his own book! That’s just lazy and a little bit weird.

2 thoughts on “God Says ‘Duh”

  1. Oh my god (hehe), that was actually in a newspaper. Okay, my mind has literally caved in and nothing short of a Bob Dylan song is going to let me come back to the world. One of the things that I always say is that I have infinite hope for humanity, but no respect for humans. Of course this is a little bit too broad, let me clarify, 99% of people. Wait, now I went too far the other way, ah screw it. On a completely unrelated note, I love Bill Hicks. I was listening to Relentless a few days ago and his bit on smoking always leaves me crying. “Some non-smokers tried to attack me. I tried to run away but they had more energy. I tried to hide but they heard me wheezing. Some of them smelled me.” Comedy gold. Plus I smoke so I know how he feels. I am just not as funny as he is so I use his words. If you can’t be original steal from the best.


  2. New Year’s Day
    Well, let’s turn our focus here away from the humanitarian crisis occurring after the Tsunami in the Indian Ocean for a while and talk about something else for a bit.
    Emergency Department – New Year’s Day 2005 report:
    The waiting room held approximately 1.5 x more people than the cubicles available for most of the shift. Of the cubicles available, many were not moving (ie the patients in them were staying put) due to the fact that 1: Our “short stay unit” hasn’t opened yet. 2: There were no beds on the wards 3: Many patients were there for 6 and 12 hourly serial Treponin levels and Electrocardiograms. (Treponin levels taken over a certain period of time, if rising, indicate damage to cardiac muscle due to ischaemic changes (extended period of lack of oxygen to areas of heart muscle that causes damage to said heart muscle) and 4: The new coronary care unit hasn’t opened yet either.
    Compounding the problem (in my humble opinion) is that there had been a large mail out in the local area proclaiming the opening of our new department highlighting the fact we had extra beds and short stay unit etc. despite the fact that these haven’t actually been opened yet! That and my personal suspicion that a lot of the people presenting with minor complaints are simply there to have a “sticky-beak” at the new E.D.
    What eventuates is that the waiting component of the waiting room has blown out to several hours rather than the reasonable time periods we used to have in the old department. Perhaps it’s just the time of year too…who knows. Things may improve when the dynamics and logistics of working in a new environment are more familiar to our staff as well, I’m hoping.
    Have a good one people. More exciting installments from my rather uneventful life later on….
    On a side note: The worst thing is that you can’t reason with these people. They know that they are right and that’s that – beware of people that make statements like this as I’ve often found that they are afflicted by the same characteristics of inflexibility and self-righteousness as they themselves describe.


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