1. Shock At first, I couldn’t really believe what was going on. Although the five Rheingolds probably helped that. Bless you, Rheingold.
2. Hysterical Sobbing For the Future of Humanity and On Behalf of the Approximately Half of This Country That Isn’t a Dipshit and/or Wicked Step 2 may come back to haunt the other steps at any moment, without warning.
3. Denial I had a dream last night that I was shopping for new sweatpants. It was so awesome. The concept of “president” didn’t exist. It was pretty great.
4. Holing Up In Your Apartment Eating Leftover Halloween Candy and Watching “Chappelle’s Show” Repeat as necessary.
5. Resisting the Urge to Punch Every Bush Supporter You Might Meet Right in the Fucking Face I’ll look the other way if you want to let this one slide a little…(it’s a good thing I live in New York…a good thing for a lot of people’s faces, that is)
6. Regrouping In another few months, when this country starts to really bottom out, we will begin galvanizing again…and next time, our candidate will be charismatic and Southern and unfuckingstoppable. Oh, and we will destroy Diebold. And the Rapture isn’t going to come. And Iraq will continue to be terrible. And thousands of children will die. And the rest of the world will shake its collective rest-of-world head–and we will not fucking stand for it.
7. FIGHT LIKE HELL Repeat as necessary
I’d like to take this opportunity to thank the wonderful people of Illinois, who include but are not limited to my cousins Naomi, Isaac and Leah, my aunt Sarah and uncle Stan, my grandpa Stanton and my uncle and step-uncle Joe and Michael. Your state is amazing and I am so proud of you.
I’d also like to take this opportunity to give a big “fuck off” to everyone in my ex-home state of Oregon who helped that bigoted gay marriage ban pass. Consider yourself disowned, Oregon. From now on I am telling everyone I’m from Chicago. Or the Moon. Or the Mall of America. I don’t know. All I know is that we are so screwed. Everyone. Everyone is. And when this country goes down in flames, when every single dipshit who voted for this guy ends up destitute and with at least one dead relative from all these wars–well, the fight will be waiting for you.
We can despair today, everyone, but starting tomorrow it’s fighting time again. And if “fighting time” means staying up all night drinking Becherovka and drinking nachos and watching Ali G, then so be it!!!
Any ideas for what to do now, guys?