And I expect my invitation to be Kerry’s Secretary of Money Stuff forthwith, too

Okay dudes, pay attention. I have just figured out how to fix America forever. I got to thinking tonight when I was at work, and one of my fellow editors and I started talking about John Kerry’s recent promise to up the minimum wage to a whopping “Hey, I could ALMOST survive on twice this” seven dollars an hour.

My coworker said, “Do you know how many companies would go out of business?” And I said, “Any company that deserves to be IN business should pay more than 5.15, that’s inhuman.” Then I went to my communist manifesto reading meeting. Ha ha. No, seriously. Would YOU want to make 5.15 an hour doing something probably terribly difficult and exhausting and demoralizing? NO, you would not. But I digress.

Anyway, he said, “I’ll vote for Kerry if he raises the minimum wage AND cuts taxes,” and I was like, “You mean for people who make under 200k a year, right? Because more than that and you’re not really wanting for anyting, I can’t feel too sorry for you if you’re paying 33 percent a year instead of 37 or whatever.”

And then he said, “No, everyone should pay the same,” a la Steve Forbes. And I said, “You really think I should pay the same percentage as some guy with eight houses and seventeen cars? Who USES MORE STUFF and takes up more land and uses more road? And therefore should pay his fair fucking share to keep it up?”

And he said, “Well, my family’s rich, so I have to look out for them.” Huh? Wha? If they’re rich now, that means they were also rich when Clinton was president, and unless they make some really stupid investments or get addicted to crank, they will stay rich despite the $98,000 “more” a year they shouldn’t have gotten back in the first place because please don’t expect me to feel sorry for you when I routinely feed, transport and entertain myself on forty dollars a week. But I digress. Because…and get ready for it…I have figured out how to make everyone happy and keep the country from going bankrupt. You ready for it? Ready for it?? Here it goes:

All taxes can be capped at 15 percent across the board IF and only IF a reverse-graded luxury sales tax is put in place, so that the higher-end the a product is, the more it will be taxed when you buy it. Ergo: Kraft Maceroni & Cheese (it’s the cheesiest, allegedly): nothing. Beluga caviar and Dom: 200%. A Honda Civic: Half a percent at most. A Bentley: 500%.

Why is this fair and awesome? I’m so glad you asked: I read in that bastion of responsible reporting today, the New York Post, that Paris Hilton likes to buy a new car in every city she visits because it’s “more convenient” than taking a taxi. Yes, she likes to buy a new car in every city she visits. What this leads me to believe is that the super-rich will take and love their luxury products no matter what the cost–sometimes, the more something costs, the more they want it. Therefore, if a Bentley cost $1,000,000, they’d want it EVEN MORE than if it cost $200,000. And nobody could complain about the rich’s hard-non-earned wages being “stolen from” to pay for some poor asshole’s emergency room bills because all the luxuries that would be taxed are so luxurious, so expensive, SO ridiculous, that the kind of people who buy them in the first place are not the kind of people who care how much something costs. Then the rich get to stay rich, the public school system doesn’t implode, I get to go to the doctor too, my subway fare doesn’t skyrocket again, the air outside cleans up, Paris Hilton retains the ability to buy a car in every city she visits, and all is right with the world. I can’t believe nobody pays me to think stuff like this up!!!

Also, ASHLEE SIMPSON is a dumb lip-syncing lip-syncer who sucks! Ha! We should tax lip-syncing too, come to think of it.

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4 thoughts on “And I expect my invitation to be Kerry’s Secretary of Money Stuff forthwith, too

  1. haHA! i too witnessed the ashlee simpson-failure-to-be-able-to-sing-at-all-debacle last night. you have quite the novel idea but as i sit here eating my atlantic salmon filet that was on sale for 3.50 this week, i wonder if that too would fall under your luxurious luxuries taxingness

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  2. no, anything on sale is AUTOMATICALLY excluded. VIVA LA REVOLUTION! Lip-sync tax! Vapidity tax! Outrageous stupidness tax!

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  3. I am glad Ashlee Simpsons was exposed for the no-talent fraud she is. Hopefully she goes away now. She cant sing and she never could. And what was with the whole “punk” thing? Ashlee Simpson is punk? hahahaa… yea, right!

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  4. I had to explain to my dad the concept of “bubblegum punk” a la Ashlee Simpson and he, though he’s 60, said, “Isn’t that a misnomer?” Yes, dad it is. Oh, Ashlee. We hardly knew your aggressively-marketed image.

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