Since I am approximately two years late on every trend (I’m thinking I might pick up some of those “Ugghe” boots or a trucker hat, what do you think? I don’t want to look too cool, otherwise nobody will take me seriously in the office!!), I’ve decided that one of three things will happen in this year’s dreaded Presidential election (other people have been saying this for months, and like a good New Yorker, I can’t be left out forever–after all, I did finally get some pointy stilettos and Sevens. PSYCHE. Well, okay, fine):
OPTION ONE: Bush wins by a narrow margin, assholes the country over rejoice. The rest of us plan extensive vacations to Canada and Europe with the last vestiges of our savings and wait for the second-term scandals to erupt.
OPTION TWO: Kerry wins by a narrow margin, a victory followed immediately by a bullshit “terrorist” alert or close-call (or hell, how about another attack? The Empire State Building’s still there), thus allowing for Bush to call for a State of Emergency that delays Kerry’s inauguration…forever.
OPTION THREE (the most likely): The race is a dead tie and decided by Tom DeLay and Bill Frist. Bush is forced in and the world as we know it gets immeasurably even worse than it already is, and then implodes.
Therefore the only way out of this heartwrenching quagmire is for me to get magically rich and move the hell away so I no longer care. Wait, that will never happen; I’ll always care. So what really needs to happen is a Kerry landslide, which is where Andre Heinz (call me!) in his underwear comes in.