the dodo…the megalodon…the dixiecrat…and now, the GOP post-convention bounce

What are: things that are extinct?

Yes, bitches, that’s right. I’ve been addicted to this electoral vote predictor for the past few weeks, and in those weeks it hasn’t been pretty. But yesterday Bush’s lead collapsed, and today Kerry is back ahead.

I’m sure this has mostly to do with three things:

1) Kerry finally bringing out the big guns in his campaign. James Carville and Joe Lockhart don’t fuck around and as far as I’m concerned, the more of Bill Clinton’s people he’s got working around the clock, the better. The Bushies are obviously playing super dirty because they have no actual record to go on (unless you love perpetual war, tax breaks for gazillionaires and obliterating women’s reproductive rights–in which case, he’s your man), and although I admired Kerry for taking the high road, he’s got to realize that this is America. There is no high road.

2) The war in Iraq is going really shitty. Really, really shitty. I think there is a mathematical formula, something like [NUMBER OF CIVILIANS BEHEADED is INVERSELY PROPORTIONAL to NUMBER OF SWING VOTERS FOR BUSH].

3) That picture of Andre Heinz, John Kerry’s stepson, on a rock (see below).

And they call me “unpatriotic”!

Seriously, though, it seems pretty simple to me who should vote how. So, swing voters, pay attention. Ask yourselves two questions:

#1: How much money do I make?
If the answer to this is “more than $200,000 a year,” then Bush is your guy. You enjoy being rich? Sure you do. You don’t want to give any of your money back to the public services and institutions that helped you get it in the first place? Nah, why would you? Luckily, you are only one percent of the country, so even though you own and control everything, you shouldn’t really be a threat.

#2: Am I a super-fundamentalist Christian religious zealot?
If the answer to this is “yes,” then again, Bush is your man. Even though many far-right conservative Christians are being totally screwed financially by Bush every single day, and don’t have health care, and don’t have jobs, and still pray for a Bush victory every day, he has a total stranglehold on them because of the anti-gay, anti-choice, anti-sex education thing. That’s fine. They’re a lost cause. But they’re only like 20 percent of the country! And some of them have an overlap with the rich people in question 1.

Therefore, if people actually voted for their best interests, Bush would get between 19 and 21 percent of the vote. So, swing voters, I’m happy to have helped you in this quest. And if you’re at a loss (and female, or a gay man)–just look at Andre Heinz on a rock (see below).

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