Conservative women (yes, it seems like an oxymoron to me, too–why would our majority-of-humanity sex fight so hard to give ourselves the vote only to sell out to a party that would love to take it away again so we could have more time to pop out kids and cook casseroles?) often say that they like Bush because he is a man. A man, man, man. A manny, manny, man. M-A-N man. And that Kerry is an android. Or a boll weevil. Or a hedgehog. Who knows? Well, all I have to say to you, ladies, is: ANDRE HEINZ. Behold:
But look, focusing on the fact that the future President’s stepson makes JFK Jr. look like Napoleon Dynamite is shallow, and conservatives are the ones who pride themselves on being shallow. I’m a liberal so by definition I do not see things in terms of good/evil, us/them, blahbetty bloo. Therefore when I recently saw Andre Heinz on the C-Span, I was not simply blinded by his hot hotness (call me, Andre Heinz!). No, what I was most impressed with (why won’t you CALL ME ANDRE HEINZ!) was his political charisma. He was talking about the monetary specifics of the defecit. He was talking about the DEFECIT and I was like a sweaty nerd who’s never touched a boob at Lord of the Rings. So, I’ve come up with a foolproof way for Kerry/Edwards to mop the floor with Dumbass McGee and Heart-Attack Jones the Evil Genius:
Senator Kerry, simply coerce your stepsons into posing in their skivvies and then make a massive billboard out of it and put that billboard in Times Square right below that stupid TV that Letterman always shows, and then Letterman will show it and it will get on the television! I’d suggest that you wow everyone else with your stepson’s articulate brilliance, Senator, but you yourself also have the articulate brilliance thing going, but many dipshits in this country don’t seem to care. In fact, they seem to be affronted by your intellect because…oh, let’s not mince words. This country is full of willfully-ignorant people who are so stubborn about being willfully-ignorant that any teensy little threat to their black/white good/bad world is SCAAAARRRRY WOOOOO. Therefore: Andre Heinz (CALL ME!) in his underwear. Chris Heinz (you can call me too!) in his underwear. Nobody can resist a rich, powerful guy in his shorts. Mark my words. And call me, Andre Heinz.