An Open Letter To This Guy

DouchebagTo: Ben Ferguson, “Leading Young Conservative,” author of 12,000th most popular bestelling book on
From: Rebecca S., “International Sex Symbol,” virgin to the stars
Regarding: It’s Also My America, Too…Too!

Dear Ben,

This morning, as I was eating my breakfast of one egg and everything else left in my refrigerator that wasn’t spoiled, flipping through the four channels I get on my non-cable-having televisual machine, I happened upon your John-Edwards-esque mug giving a talk at a bookstore on a rerun of CSPAN-2’s “Book TV.” Interestingly enough, it was on this very “Book TV” show that I saw one ill-fated press conference by neoconservative darling Wendy Shalit, author of A Return to Modesty. You and Wendy might hit it off, actually, although she’s a J-E-W so maybe not.

Your talk on CSPAN-2 was very provocative, and included such groundbreaking theories as: John Kerry went to Vietnam and got injured as a publicity stunt for the sole purpose of bad-mouthing the war after his return. A fascinating rubric to be sure, but you forget (and I’ll forgive you, since you were approximately -25 years old at the time) that one out of three young GIs who went to ‘Nam came back in a state-of-the-art plastic bag, and no amount of “opportunism” can make you forget that. You also peppered your oration with such valuable snippets (most of which used the wonderful “rhetorical question I answer myself” technique) as: “Do the rich get most of the tax cuts? I hope so, because they’re the ones hiring all the poor people,” and “My generation thinks the American Dream is just handed to them, we all have credit cards our parents pay for,” and my personal favorite, “The public school system is in trouble. Have I ever attended a public school or even been inside one? I have not, that’s for dirty people, but in my imagination they all need Ronald Reagan to fix them.” All right, I made that last one up, but the other two you actually said. I’m sure you remember.

Perhaps the most moving bit of all, however, was your reminder to all of us that it’s not “unfair” that Halliburton (originally) got all of the juicy contracts in [not-really] post-war Iraq, because Halliburton was the “only company capable of doing what needs to be done over there.” Convenient, then, that a man still on Halliburton’s payroll was instrumental in deciding just what kind of war would be waged and just what would need to be done. But all of that is nothing new, Ben Ferguson. All of that you’re used to. Have you already heard most of these arguments? Sure you have. But here is something that plagued me: this war is still raging stronger than ever, and most of America’s armed servicemen and women will be the first to tell you that. You, as you so often reminded us, are twenty-two years old, and that, if I’m not mistaken, is an ideal age to enlist in the Army, Navy, Air Force or Marines, and go put your life where your mouth is and defend the values you trumpet so vitriolically on the airwaves and in your tome. I mean it: Ben Ferguson, if you are so patriotic and love America so much, then why, really, why the bejeezus aren’t you over there right now? What could you possibly to do protect and defend America more than join the incredibly brave and selfless people of the U.S. Armed Forces? What, Ben Ferguson, is stopping you from serving in this war right now? There is simply no defensible answer to this question besides, “Well, actually, Rebecca–and that’s quite a fetching head scarf you’ve got on, very Rosie the Riveter–I’ve enlisted and I’m shipping off to basic training next week. I’ll be in Fallujah until things stop being all fucked up over there.” Therefore, the cold, hard silence I’ve come to expect from the fact that nobody reads this blog except my parents will not be surprising in this particular instance.

Also, I have the number for a wonderful hair stylist here in New York if you’d like it.


Rebecca S.

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