Now taking requests…

…for things to tell Republicans when I see them at the upcoming RNC, which of course I am attending in earnest because I am a reputable and respected and very important member of the media. And also: CANNONBALL! Ergh, an “Anchorman” joke like seventy baJILLION years after that movie came out. I’m so gay! Well, between my behind-the-timesness and Svetlana biting it on bars last night this is proving to be a fairly shitty week. Then there was this. FRIDAY: I was supposed to travel all the way back to my home land of Eugene Brand Town of Oregon for my high school reunion, or, more accurately, to hover in the periphary of my hometown while the reunion took place and “accidentally” run into people and show them how awesome I turned out (somewhere during my travels I was also planning to turn awesome). But what happened instead was that I schlepped out to Newark, went through numerous plane-preboarding rituals (including purchasing trashy magazines and stripping down to my skivvies for the metal detector*), boarded the plane and then sat…on the runway…for two and a half hours. Then in an unprecedented plane move, the pilots drove us back to the gate and let whoever wanted to get off do so, so I did. Then I went home. It was the shortest trip ever.

*On my trip home from Europe I tried to get on the plane in Berlin with a pocket knife. Well, “tried” is a little harsh so don’t put me in Guantanamo just yet. What happened was that I forgot to remove my trusty swiss-army Taschenmesser from my Rucksack because I’d spent the last three days on night trains or at inexplicable Hungarian rock festivals. I needed no other part of the knife except the screwdriver, of course, but that proved so invaluable on the aforementioned night trains that I kept it in my backpack at all times…and forgot to transfer it to my checked suitcase at the check-in counter. So I put the backpack through the metal detector and the German security guard said to me, very nicely and in German: “Excuse me, do you have a pocket knife in your backpack?” And then I realized what I’d done and freaked out, apologized profusely and let them chuck the knife rather than go all the way back out and retreive my suitcase and check it. (I bought the knife used for six dollars on eBay anyway, so shut up). Anyway, they just sort of laughed at me and told me it was okay, and I told them, again in German because I SPEAK GERMAN just in case you didn’t know that particular talent I have, anyway I told them, “I’m American, if I’d tried to do that at home I’d be in jail.” But you know what? I’m not a terrorist. I made a simple mistake and was treated as such. HOWEVER, even if I had been a terrorist, and was trying to get the knife onto the plane in the first place to somehow terrorize an hourlong flight between Berlin and Zurich (well, Swiss Air does now make you pay for food on board but that’s hardly a hijackable offense), they found it and got rid of it. Nicely, sure, but they did. Same result. Me sans knife. So why are we all in America treated at airports like we’re personally going to rebuild the world trade center and re-hijack a plane and re-blow it up? You don’t have to be mean to someone to thwart a knife boarding the plane is all I’m saying. Why is it that after a mere fifty years the fucking Germans of all people have shit figured out and we don’t?

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