anyone wearing the american flag in any fashion as clothes–dude, I know where we are and so do you.

ronald reagan’s frickin’ corpse and anyone giving a shit about it, other than to feel vaguely sorry for his family’s loss and work their asses off to reverse all of his still-existent legislation

tv’s in restaurants and bars

people actually watching those tv’s

those assholes on the street in new york who ask you where you get your hair done or if you have a “minute or two” for the children

ruthless, nasty, hungry marketing girls and their spray-on tans

hummers (the car, not the oral sex technique) and all other cars that obviously compensate for penis size and general life happiness

tivo

all right, that was a lie–I’m totally going to miss tivo

especially that little BONK sound it makes when you fast-forward enough to catch up to time

also that little POOK POOK sound it makes when you fast-forward or rewind

but back to things I’m not going to miss–

bogus terrorist threats that accidentally coincide with dips in popularity

not being able to say “shit” or show a boob on tv but being able to show a human being actually dying

commercials that make you hate yourself instead of just making you jerk off

aaaaaaand…most importantly….the word “carbs” and anyone who cares about them or doesn’t eat them