And the Winner of ‘Most Frighteningly Manifest-Destiny-y State Song” Goes To…


Land of the Empire Builders, Land of the Golden West;
Conquered and held by free men, Fairest and the best.
On-ward and upward ever, Forward and on, and on;
Hail to thee, Land of the Heroes, My Oregon.

Land of the rose and sunshine, Land of the summer’s breeze;
Laden with health and vigor, Fresh from the western seas.
Blest by the blood of martyrs, Land of the setting sun;
Hail to thee, Land of Promise, My Oregon.

*as per the instructions of Lewis & Clark, “Oregon, My Oregon” should be sung to the tune of “High On You” by Survivor, the little-known follow-up hit to “Eye of the Tiger”

Now ladies, if that doesn’t scare the bejeezus out of you, I don’t know what does. I promise that my beloved home state is far from the Neo-Nazi nightmare portrayed above. It is actually one of the most beautiful places in the country. In fact, here is another song about Oregon I learned in grade school that I am lobbying to become the new Oregon State Song for a Less Racist World. I don’t know if it’s a real song or what because I can’t find it anywhere on the Internet, and if it’s not on the Internet, it doesn’t exist. But luckily I have a completely photographic memory for useless crap, and even though I haven’t actually heard this song since Mrs. Webster taught it to my fourth grade class at Sumpter Community School in Salem (shout-out to Mr. Wolf’s class 1986-style yeeeeeeah!), this is what I remember:

We live in Oregon; we’re proud as we can be
We live in Oregon–fantastic scenery!
Fir trees and mountain-tops and clear blue skies above
We will call this home
And we will never roam
For Oregon’s the land we love

That song even had a little partner-clap dance we did along to it and we used to pretend to grab each other’s boobs. Hilarious, I know. Now, this is a better song because of the emphasis on scenery and NOT on slaughtering Indians. However, I must point out that it is clearly false advertising on at least one count, and if you’re a fellow Oregonian past or present you know what I’m getting at: “clear blue skies above.” Above the clouds and rain in the highest part of the atmosphere, maybe! Schyeah.

So why all the Oregon frenzy? Well, that’s simple. Self-promotion. Duh. Because today of all rejoiced and blessed days the little massively popular Web Internet Site Dealie known as “Der schwarze Tisch” (that’s “The Black Table” for you non-intellectuals out there) has a magnanimous piece of journalism allegedly written by yours truly by the name of “Six Things You Didn’t Know About: Oregon.” So read, my little friends, read, and be blessed. And here, before you go, is another awesome song about Oregon…or is it about deodorant? Ha ha ha!

Roll On Columbia
by Woody Guthrie (!!)

Roll on, Columbia, roll on, roll on, Columbia, roll on
Your power is turning our darkness to dawn
Roll on, Columbia, roll on

Green Douglas fir where the water cuts through
Down her wild canyons and mountains she flew
Canadian Northwest to the ocean so blue
It’s roll on, Columbia, roll on

Other great rivers add power to you
Yakima, Snake, and the Klickitat, too
Sandy, Williamette, and Hood River, too
It’s roll on, Columbia, roll on

At Bonneville now there are ships in the locks
The water has risen and cleared all the rocks
Soon shiploads of plenty will sail through your docks
So roll on, Columbia, roll on

On up the river is Grand Coulee Dam
The mightiest thing ever built by a man
To run the great factories and water our land
It’s roll on, Columbia, roll on

These mighty men labored by day and by night
Matching their strength ‘gainst the river’s wild flight
Through rapids and falls they won the hard fight
Roll on, Columbia, roll on

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