For the last two weeks, I’ve been slowly liquifying my intellect by consuming nothing but salad, going to the gym on purpose, staring into very bright lights like a retarded albino baby hippo, all in a limp effort to “support” my boyfriend, who is how starring in a feature film playing at a theatre near you. The film is called Third-Hand Lions, and Jacob stars as a grown-up version of Haley Joel Osment. Unfortunately (or fortunately, if you want an Oscar) a few encounters with said lions left Jacob’s character legless and with bad teeth, and we’re all very proud of his harrowing performance which is not at all demeaning to retarded people, or whatever you call people with no legs. Whatever. I’ve gone all Hollywood now and I have no patience for books unless they’re unauthorized celebrity bios, so instead of anything Kafka related I will now list for you the food I consumed and did not have to pay for between Monday Feb 16 and Thursday Feb 18. Steven Spielberg, I thank you.
Pringles, one can.
Peppridge Farm Goldfish, one carton.
Cashews, one canister.
Maker’s Mark, one itty bitty bottle.
Root Beer, one can.
Bailey’s, one teeny tiny bottle.
Aquafina, endless bottles.
Crab Cakes, one order.
Truffle-Infused Smashed Potatoes, one order.
“Sunrise Quesadilla,” two.
Coffee, two large pots.
Shrimp Cocktail, one.
Fish and Chips, two orders.
Calamari, one vat of.
Vodka and Cranberry, more than I can count.
Everyone knows the only reason anyone goes to premieres is for the free food, and since Real World Trishelle wasn’t eating any of it, I had to do my part.
Also, it’s worth writing about that the minbar in our hotel was computerized and every time we lifted somethig up, in true Cartman’s Trapperkeeper Big Brother fashion, it would go “Charging…Crispy M&Ms” and if you put the M&Ms back, they’d charge you again!!! And if you tried to pull a fast one on ’em and put something else in the Crispy M&M’s place, you’d also get charged double. We found this out the hard way. Steven Spielberg, I am sorry.