I am currently watching TV in my boyfriend’s “Club Room” at the Renaissance Hotel in Hollywood, CA. I’m about to change into a very inappropriate garment and get ignored on the red carpet at the premiere of his first major film, a harrowing Welsh-language remake of The Miracle Worker, with Jim Caviezel as Helen Kellar. It shold be remarkable, and as my boyfriend put himself in a fat suit and spent six grueling months drinking coffee and scotch and smoking stogies to yellow his teeth for his role as Well Pump Boy #5, so you know it’s Oscar time for him. Anyway, part of being in the “Club” at the “Club Room” involves watching as much Fox News Channel as one person can because I’m just perverted like that. (Yes, I have a Republican fetish. There, I said it. Are you happy?)

Anyway, apparently on the next issue of “The Factor,” Bill O’Fuckface is going to detail the “radical gay agenda,” which I guess involves gays and lesbians having the same rights as hets…the horror. So I was thinking to myself, “Does this dress make me look fat? Also, what would a REAL ‘gay agenda’ look like?” Well, something like this, I’d imagine–and you tell me how it infringes on any of your sacred fucked institutions, would you?

GAY AGENDA

9:00 am: Work out

11:30 am: Pilates class

12:30 pm: Lunch at Pastis with Sarah Jessica Parker

3:00 pm: Barneys Warehouse Sale

4:00 pm: Low-carb lattes with ex-boyfriend

5:30 pm: Hot sex with ex-boyfriend

7:00 pm: Work out again

9:00 pm: Dinner at Montrachet with Isaac Mizrahi

12:00 am: Meet up with friends at Phoenix

3:00 am: Hot sex

Now please tell me how the author of Those Who Trespass can have anything to say about anyone’s fucking agenda. And I mean that literally. Just in case you were unsure. About my muddled use of double entendre.

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