I don’t have any friends because of the ketosis reek that comes off of me from not eating any “carbs” (come on, bacon is awesome for you and makes you “ripped” but bread, that will kill you). (No, you know what? I’m not done ranting because you low-carb crazies are really pissing me off! Don’t you know that Dr. Atkins was fat?? Like unhealthily obese? And he died because he fell down because he had a massive heart attack because he ate so much fucking bacon? And did you know that carbohydrates are the brain’s primary fuel? Did you? Probably not, because your brain has turned to goo from no “carbs” and I hope you all die, and I’ll piss on your ketosis-reeky graves just like I piss on Dr. Atkins’s!!!!!!!!)

There. As I was saying, I don’t have any friends, but if I did, their names would be Frank and Audrey. And also, Jason, but he doesn’t have a blog because he’s afraid of computers. It’s true–you turn one on around him and he starts freaking out and talking about “the demons” and trying to get into the Orthodox Jews’ ritual bath which is only for the ladies!! But mostly, Audrey and Frank’s wonderful blogs which are much better and ofter-updated than mine and also not obsessed with one author who shall remain nameless. Kafka. There, I said it. I just got yet another edition of The Trial in the mail the other day because my teacher has insisted we all use the same edition. This brings my total copies up to something like 12. And I’ve never even read it! I don’t even know how to read! Reading is for people who don’t know what the TV is, like Jason. Anyway, I wanted to write a semi-public love letter to all three people who read this and say: Frank, Audrey–even Jason, though you’ll never read this because it’s on a computer–youse guys are the best. And imagine how much more I’d love you if I actually knew you personally!!!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Get it? I’m a stalker. I’m stalking them.

Speaking of stalkers, my boyfriend has one. Some woman he went to high school with is obsessed with him on the IMDB and it’s starting to freak me out. Please feel free to add to the discussion and reprimand this person for her stalking ways. Not that it bothers me!!!! I’m secure in my womanhood!!!!!!! I mean, who wouldn’t be after having a conversation like THIS first thing in the morning:

ME: Do you think the female standard of beauty will ever get realistic again?

WHATSISNAME I LIVE WITH: Fuck, baby, I don’t know–they’re going to say you’re fat at the premiere.

ME: That’s not what I was talking about, but thanks.

Curtain.

Isn’t love grand? Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!!!!!

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